I Call Bullshit on: Beauty and the Beast

  1. Everyone in town being super obsessed with how much Belle reads.
    I don't care how poor your provincial town is. There's a book store, right? So people read. It's not a totally alien concept.
  2. The town/Gaston being equally hung up with how pretty Belle is, as if those three blonde 10s aren't just lurking in the back of every song.
  3. Belle being presented as hyper-literate despite the fact that she's only read the same couple fairy tales, multiple times.
    And even though it's considered a "pity and a sin" that she "doesn't quite fit in," the bookstore/library(?) dude happily enables her habit by giving her a free book to keep.
  4. "I want adventure in the great wide somewhere!" Uh, no.
    Unless "adventure" is a luxe castle with a three story library that she isn't allowed to leave. If her hometown had a Barnes and Noble she would have been completely happy.
  5. How old was the Prince when the spell was cast?
    The spell had to be broken before his 21st birthday, but Lumiere sings "for TEN YEARS we've been rusting..." So the prince was cursed as an 11-year-old? I know people aged faster back then, but that AIN'T a portrait of a tween.
  6. Or wait, was the prince frozen at age 20, because when he turns back he looks exactly the same as that pic.
    In which case, wouldn't his 21st birthday be an arbitrary and useless demarcation of time?
  7. Weird how the Beast owned ALL the famous paintings.
  8. Cogsworth: "As you can see, the pseudo-façade was stripped away to reveal the minimalist Rococo design. Note the unusual inverted vaulted ceilings. This is yet another example of the late neoclassic Baroque period. And, as I always say, 'If it's not Baroque, don't fix it!'"
    None of these hybrid art styles would be described that way, certainly not with pride. (Baroque was a derogatory term until what, after Wprld War One?) Google "minimalist Rococo" and your first hit is from beauty and the Beast. Then try to figure out what neoclassic (?) baroque would look like.
  9. For a town that is supposedly small-minded and provincial, they've got a pretty progressive tolerance for Lefou and Gaston's "friendship."
    Side note: rewarching the film I was like "this is such a Josh Gad role." And I was right! http://bit.ly/1JGaAl3
  10. Belle might read a lot, but she has extremely poor comprehension/ retention skills.
    Belle (first act, reading book to sheep): "It's my favorite part because you see, here's where she meets Prince Charming/but she won't discover that it's him till chapter 3!" ---- Belle (second act, to the SAME EXACT TUNE) "Who'd have ever thought that this could be? True that he's no Prince Charming/ But there's something in him that I simply didn't see." ---Oh Belle, girl, come on, you're almost there!
  11. Shit is like 50 Shades of Beast.
    "Sorry Gaston, you boorish, brainless brute. I need my autonomy! So...I'm going with the illiterate Goffrey-wannabe who imprisoned my father, physically threatened both of us, held me against his will and refused to let me leave his castle. FREEDOM!
  12. How come this castle had so many kids in it?
    And is Mrs. Potts ALL their mom? Where were the rest of the parents?!
  13. It's been a decade but everyone forgot about the neighboring ROYALTY? Did anyone try to check up on that baby prince who lived with a BUNCH of servant babies and then one day was never heard from again?
  14. What's this town's mental health public policy that the guy creating out-of-control steampunk axe machines ONLY gets institutionalized as part of a marriage plot?
    Um "Crazy Old Maurice" was a legit danger to himself and others. That asylum director shouldn't need to be BRIBED into accepting him.
  15. Everyone in town ridiculing Maurice for believing in Beasts, but do a 180 when presented with the irrefutable logic of a magic mirror.
    Wouldn't they just hang her for being a witch?
  16. A French prince named "Adam?"
  17. Gaston's biggest boast is that "every last inch of me's covered with hair!"
    So just saying the beast is kind of "his type."
  18. The town isn't just anti-women's lib, it's anti-THINKING, regardless of gender.
    Lefou refers to it as a dangerous pastime and Gaston goes "I KNOW."
  19. Logistically, how can a candle get it on with a feather duster?
    Biggest problem with film.