My Beauty and Style Hacks

  1. Brush your teeth at irregular intervals. That's when you catch plaque off its guard.
  2. An easy way to go for the "nude-face runway look" that was all the rage this fall? Don't put makeup on it, you dummy.
  3. If you can't remember the difference between brush and bronzer, make sure you are putting on a lot of both, just in case.
  4. Foundation and eye primer do the exact same function except that you can't use foundation as eye primer or vice-versa. Sure, fine.
  5. There are a million ways to screw up a "messy bun," none which include creating an actually sleek one.
  6. Purple primer is the new purple drank in the sense that I'm not sure exactly what's in it but I'm assuming it's Schedule II-level.
  7. There are liner brushes and lip brushes and foundation, powder, blush and bronzer brushes, smudging brushes, brow brushes hair brushes and eyeshadow brushes. Then there's the whole sponge debate for foundation and blending, pencils, markers and wands. Or do what I do and use the back of your hand.
  8. If you aren't ready to receive life advice from a 13-year-old Japanese girl or a impatient 40-something dude with frosted tips, you're not ready to learn contouring.
  9. Forget the fancy stuff! Soap and water are still great backup products for a foam party or washing that child's mouth out.
  10. If you are looking to make a splash, create an eyeshadow game that uses the same palette as "the dress."
  11. Highlight (for dim lighting)
  12. Enhance (for when you plan on being captured by grainy surveillance footage)
  13. Erase your pores by taking five minutes from your beauty regime in the morning and making sure you are still a toon.
  14. No matter how pale you are, there's still going to be some powder out there that makes you look like Joel Grey in Cabaret. Just...go a shade darker than anything that calls itself "Ivory" or "Geisha," okay?
  15. Mascara can only be removed by tugging on your eyelashes for a week after, so be judicious when using it.
  16. Spiral cycle
  17. Wash rinse repeat cycle.
  18. All lipstick makes you look like a prostitute clown: the question is do you want to be shimmering or juicy or matte when you are the last thing someone says they see hovering above their bed during a night terror? (I usually go with matte.)