Notable Ways I've Been Dumped

Hmmm thought this list would be longer.
  1. Getting "promoted" from girlfriend status to "Ken Griffy Spider-Man!"
    Think my ex got that name from old UCB sketch. At the time= SO SAD. A decade later = SUPER FUNNY. Today I hung out with him and said I wanted a car, and he responded "Spider-Man doesn't get a vehicle." Aw! I'm still promoted!
  2. After asking my first college boyfriend what he was thinking about.
    That is why you never ask, guys and gals!
  3. Changing Facebook status to single.
    James and I were pretty toxic together, but this remains the biggest bitch move ever.
  4. After I moved out of our apartment together, J. came into the bar I worked and casually informed me he knew I had been cheating on him.
    Yeah...I really was a shithead back then.
  5. Grabbing me really hard by the arms and shaking me while screaming "You filthy whore!"
    Ben (freshman to sophomore year) had a temper and it was over between us anyhow. But he freaked my roommate out. He later defended this move by quoting Chris Rock. v cool.
  6. "If you would like to discuss any part of this email, please call me and I can explain over coffee."
    Such a gamble to do email breakups, but they always worked on me because no way in hell I was ever going to call for clarification. Who CALLS?
  7. He doesn't respond to texts for a month; I finally get the picture.