Reasons I'd Be the Worst Candidate for Your '50 Shades of Grey' Sitch

  1. Do not like that much eye contact.
  2. Do not like being told what to do as it pertains to my caloric intake and alcohol consumption.
  3. Don't like being told what to do in general, sex stuff excluded maybe?
  4. Oppositional Defiance Disorder
  5. Hate helicopters.
  6. Hate hotel rooms.
  7. Hate moving.
  8. Hate his family.
  9. Hate contracts.
  10. Hate ties and business meetings and wearing sexy adult clothing into dark conference rooms.
  11. Hate Twilight fan fiction.
  12. Physically incapable of being demure.
  13. Or a virgin.
  14. Or being that unprepared to interview a profile subject.
  15. Love Seattle, hate the fact that either Vancouver College is in Oregon or this just became an international human trafficking issue.
  16. Not that I've ever had this scenario, but I would hate if every guy who knew me socially thought it was appropriate to be constantly hugging and touching.
  17. Hate stupid, sex-obsessed roommates who get to be valedictorian somehow? Even though you legit do all her work?
  18. Hate co-dependency.
  19. Hate that I suggested this for an ironic valentine movie.
  20. Hate that it's only 50 percent over but I've pretty much excused myself to the lobby "which I would do if ANYONE was trying to watch soft core porn in the same room!"
  21. "Shut up, Christian Grey" is kind of my go-to line when anyone gets all OCD about my behavior, but watching this Im afraid people will now assume it's a compliment?
  22. Oberlin-style "consent forms" to teach you about sex, yet somehow miss the point completely by using vague language and liberal use of "or other."
  23. Would never sign a relationship NDA, and even if I did, what would that even MEAN?!
  24. Hate how genuinely uncomfortable I feel in a movie about two consenting adults agreeing mutually to have him Vampire Stalk her, Forever.
  25. That wallpaper.
  26. Going back into the theater. 💆