Spa, Cult or Looney Bin? a Checklist for This Portuguese "Retreat"

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  1. Technically it's a winery, albeit one sponsored by a Caudalie spa treatment called "Vinotherapie."
    Looks like leeches.
  2. Name is a pretty good giveaway.
    GET IT?? Because I didn't. I was "Le and...what?" until I saw it spelled out.
  3. Bold, "Ex Machina-esque" design flow going on.
  4. You keep expecting David Morse to show up, shaking droplets of water from his long, beautiful mane.
  5. Husband suddenly has a travel agent named "Roy," who gave him a "hot tip" about a place in the middle of nowhere.
    That is not a real job or name of a guy. Husband makes up fan fiction about them traveling world together as he spends two hours filling up "drop tub." (???!)
  6. Can't place my finger on it...
    Oh wait I totally can.
  7. Indoor and outdoor infinity pools, plus outdoor drop tub (???!) plus granite indoor tub in the middle of bathroom like a sacrificial altar.
    In a vineyard in the middle of the desert. Not to get all Chinatown, but what's the irrigation sitch here??
  8. At least half the people staying here are American, but if you move too close they will start gesturing more and adopt a Spanish accent. Also, dude nipple rings.
    Woman across from me at outdoor infinity pool staring me dead in the eyes as she takes off her top. This has happened at least twice in the past hour, yet I can't figure out when she puts swimsuit back on.
  9. No one speaks above a whisper. Not even the children.
    ESPECIALLY not the children. Also, I created this entire tableau* by the pool at noon, and not one of the at least three kids on this compound have toddled over to peak at it all day. *don't ask okay? I'm so bored and like figurines.
  10. All the staff in lobby area, sitting at one giant desk and not talking. If you try to leave through front entrance w/ your car keys, they all stand up at once.
    Not like you have anywhere to go.
  11. Each passing day further convinces you Portuguese is a made up language.
    "Oprah-gatAH." --For some reason the word changes depending on the gender of the person thanking you.
  12. You nap after taking 20 mgs of Adderall. You are obviously on a geographic ley line.
  13. They have all the channels EXCEPT HBO. Convenient or did they uninstall because True Detective was getting too close??
    Seriously, you won't know, because you didn't get to watch it last night. Also, that is just a picture of the color brown.
  14. What the fuck is a Michelin star? Does it apply it to ALL THE FOOD?
    This is a passion fruit! Who knew?!?
  15. It's so pretty but if something doesn't happen soon I'm going to start a Twitter war with gawker just to reinforce my sense of a world beyond this beautiful oasis I cannot leave.
  16. Only cults and Oberlin employ this many beanbag chairs.
  17. Power cords keep disappearing from room.
    That is actually pretty normal.
  18. Don't get distracted or you may end up in this kind of thing.
    Okay...now what?
  19. Or one of these guys:
  20. Or this:
  21. You have so many drinks but only allotted two room coffees per day and zero water.
  22. Wait...have you been institutionalized?
    Good thing I'm always on guard for a Shutter Island scenario and have duly appointed myself a federal maaaaashal.
  23. Your shoes are gone but they keep complimenting your coloring skills.
    Which is great because you are out of reading material after Gutshot, which, you can now admit, was not the right call for this place.
  24. Husband suddenly answering queries with "well, why do you think you need a Xanax right now?"
    Because I fucking say so, Jesus Christ get me out.
  25. Weird, California Don Draper study room. Always empty.
  26. Normal. Dining.