These Are *my* Useless Superpowers.

Thanks to @meganriordan for inspiring list
  1. Anxiety Absorption
    You think this is YOUR panic attack?! Don't be selfish: It's OUR panic attack, now.
  2. Relationship Stressor
    Not my own. But mention that you're hanging with me, and most boyfriends/girlfriends will inadvertently cringe. Or say something akin to "It's your funeral," and know they are lying: they are the ones who have to talk you down when you call, crying about getting too high, at 3 am (PST). I am the bad influence friend/person in everyone else's lives. I assume everyone knows that at this point, tho.
  3. Talks faster than the speed of sound
    Eventually it's just like, intense peacock noises.
  4. TV/Film ruiner
    Unless you have seen this one before or don't mind a constant commentary track (@liana and her mom don't!) I shouldn't be with you when you watch a show or movie for the first time. It tends to work like: A) I will figure it out in the first five minutes B) I won't, and keep guessing till I do C) A and B are irrelevant: I'll find a million other things to talk about if left in a room full of quiet people trying to pay attention to something that is Not Me.
  5. FANTASTIC PARALLEL PARKER
    I just discovered this ability, and no one is around to appreciate it, but I've gotten it down to 1-2 tries per park job. (The trick is renting a compact car.)
  6. Night(wo)man
    Fighter of the Day Woman! I sleep till 3 pm and stay up till 6-7 am before getting tired. That's just how I'm wired. I'd be great doing trades when the markets in Japan open.
  7. Speedreader (and master sleuth!)
    I will read the back of your cereal box if I don't have anything else. Or your email. Yeah, maybe it's time to change that Gmail password, because I need a narrative ASAP and your drama with Carl from work (2011-2012) will do just fine.
  8. Dream Interpreter
    I know what that French blue monkey represents! It means you need to get over Carl from work, obvi. Jesus it was two years ago: just text him already!
  9. Carl Interpreter
    I will help you sext Carl and then interpret his vague, emoji-laced texts for however long it takes until he's your boyfriend that hates when you spend time with me.
  10. Holding a water bottle with my teeth.
    Well I do it a lot; not sure if it's a natural-born ability or if I just hate holding things in my hand.