Things Your Psych Patient Is Thinking About You

Fair play, @ouizoid
  1. Why do you have your own name tattooed on your arm?
    One of the few real life unsolved mysteries that keep me awake at night. Is it a reminder to put yourself first? Or did you date a person with the same name? Or do you, like me, sometimes get lost navigating your own world and need some form of identification?
  2. Where do you get those awesome shoes?
    And why do you only mention that you like my intentionally copycat booties when I point them out?
  3. I love your pop culture references lady!
    The deal was sealed when, on our first session, you mentioned how much my mother sounded like Laura Palmer's. And Monday, when you said I remind you of Laura saying "Night time is my time." http://bit.ly/1Cy4gq7 Rewatched scene: how much does Laura look like she's on an analyst's couch??
  4. God, this isn't ABOUT you!
    Not every missed appointment/ desire to move to LA/ fight with my mother is a passive-aggressive plea for attention we need to explore. Sometimes I feel you use this device as a crutch when we run out of things to talk about.
  5. How do you retain so much information about my life?
    Or at least pretend to, aka making noises of confirmation to acknowledge you know who Steve is when I talk about him, or which Steve I'm talking about. (Steve is also my dad's name!)
  6. Do you feel bad for me?
    Most important question, imho.
  7. Do my stories/issues bore you?
    Because they bore the shit out of me, especially when I have to vomit them up four times a week. Maybe that's the point.
  8. Get in line, sister.
    Whenever concern for my physical health/sleep/medication stuff comes up. It scares me that you are scared for me.
  9. I think it was bullshit how long you waited to see Gone Girl.
    There were a solid couple of months I wanted to discuss my relationship in these terms but didn't want to spoil it for you (despite your insistence that it's an occupational hazard). By the time you got to it, I was already over that plan and on to a new one.
  10. Would we be friends IRL?
    I sometimes host long-form fantasies where we run into each other at a rooftop party in BK and after 15 minutes of awkward non-acknowledgement--yes, these are built into my fictional universe, too--you come over and shyly introduce me to your boyfriend/lover. I introduce you to mine and your eyes light up. "Oh I totally get it now," you whisper, tipping your champagne glass in toast with mine.
  11. How can we really know each other when our impressions of the fourth season of The Wire were so widely different?
  12. You are the kind of woman I wish I could be.
    Quiet. Self-possessed. Understated but with just enough individual qualities to make you interesting, like a @zoe character. (Wait, EXACTLY like a Zoe character. Even looks a little like her!! Whoa, breakthrough.)
  13. I really resent you.
    For texting me when I'm late for a session because you know I can't ignore texts like I ignore phone calls.
  14. Have you ever Googled me or people I talk about?
    Omg, I totally would. Except it was over a year before I thought to Google you, but then again, I'm the narcissist in the relationship.
  15. Okay, but HAVE I gained weight?!
    Stop deflecting with that bullshit "I can see you are really concerned about your looks." But also, I loved how you said it would be "disappointing" if this turned out to be the big, unspoken issue in my relationship.