Totally novel: dispatches from a 30-something living alone for the first time

  1. Cockroaches. Nature's jump-scare. Get used to screaming pathetically while waiting for it to become someone else's problem before turning this home invasion scenario on its head, "You're Next"-style.
  2. You make soooooo much less mess despite always have been called the messy one.
  3. You get to color coordinate all your books and are like "Hell. Yeah. adulthood!"
  4. You think about adopting a cat named Darkness.
  5. You open a 401k at work and just cross your fingers you picked the right one.
  6. You kill so many cockroaches, it starts to become cathartic.
    At a certain point you are just smashing and screaming and smashing and smashing and screaming and that just feels correct.
  7. You can get high and masturbate while watching shows wherein someone gets high; masturbates.
    Endless cycle.
  8. You can't stay awake stay awake past midnight and you can only sleep till 10 a.m.
  9. You buy toothpaste flavors straight of a Japanese Willy Wonka world.
  10. You cry a lot more at video games than you should. Until Dawn just isn't that sad, damnit!
  11. You are now officially at a place in your life where you have a Narrator to keep you from being lonely! The narrator lives in your head! Congratulations!
    Narrator is good for many functions, such as: provide a running commentary on all the pathetic things you're fucking up in your sad little life. Plots to overthrow the government! Etc! Etc! Narrator voice options include Elliott/Mr.Robot; Tyler Durden/ Scarlett Johansson from Her; Mark from Peep Show; Bjork.
  12. You are the girl who goes to a bar to read. Not because she's pretentious. It's because her house is FULL OF COCKROACHES!
  13. Create a quirky Bridget Jones alter-ego to become a franchise-winning success!
  14. Come home to find quirky alter-ego dead.
    "What did you do, what did you do???" You scream at your Narrator.
  15. "Man, we had to kill her, she knew too much!" Your Dopple (same as a narrator, but wearing your face) exclaims.
  16. "Plus," the narrator ventures, "I'm pretty sure your alter-ego was a cockroach?
  17. You nod.
  18. "Thanks for being so on top of this guys!" You say, solemnly high-fiving your narrator and Dopple. "We did it."
  19. Buy really NICE sheets. Because you've earned it!