Unacceptable Friend Zoning From Marius in Les Mis

A lot of my unresolved anger issues towards dudes comes from identifying with Eponine
  1. "In my life, she has burst like the music of angels, the light of the sun. And my life seems to stop if something is over and something has scarcely begun..."
    Oh god, Marius, finally! I thought you'd never notice!
  2. "...Eponine, you're the friend who has brought me here! Thanks to you, I am one with the gods and heaven is near."
    Oh wait, I meant FUCK YOU, MARIUS. Did I ever mention how Cosette's mom was a total whore and that's not even her REAL DAD?! Yeah, her real dad LEFT. Because she sucks.
  3. "It was your cry, sent them away, once more 'Ponine, saving the day!"
    Yeah, no big deal, just ratting out my dad and severing relations with my only blood relatives to make sure you and your mooney-eyed crush-- who you've literally only seen ONCE and have NEVER TALKED TO--get a chance to sing at each other while I stand here and watch my only marriage prospect go all pitchy with the help.
  4. "Dearest Cosette, my friend 'Ponine, brought me to you, showed me the way."
    Thanks for the nice intro to your GIRLFRIEND...I've known her since I was like six, remember?? Not ringing any bells? Cool. Well, I guess I can just go... No, you, you know what? It's EPonine, asshole. Leaving off a vowel at the beginning doesn't make it a nickname. It just makes you lazy.
  5. "If I could heal your wounds with words of love."
    Then what?? Then you still wouldn't do it, would you? Fuck your hypotheticals, MARIUS.
  6. "I won't desert you now."
    "Now" being the operative word, since you are literally barricaded in here with me while I bleed out. Actually if you could desert me for a hot sec and find me a doctor that would be great. I mean considering that delivering love letters to your girlfriend is the whole reason I am lying here with a ballast in my gut, it's the least you could do, MARIUS. Jackhole.
  7. "And rain will make the flowers..."
    STOP SING-TALKING AND GET ME SOME MORPHINE YOU SIMPERING CODPIECE.
  8. "....GROW!!"
    THAT'S the last thing I'm going to hear? You just inanely parroting back the ramblings of a dying woman?? Jesus fucking Christ, i hope that sewer is septic and no one's invented penicillin yet.
  9. "Her name was Eponine. Her life was cold and dark, but she was unafraid."
    Thanks for the awesome eulogy. It makes being the first casualty in the war between your pledge buddies and the police TOTALLY WORTH IT. EPONINE OUT!