Ways a 30-year-old Can Still Get Compared to Ally Sheedy in Breakfast Club

  1. Inability to remove hair from eyes
    Look. At. This. Shit. How did that even happen? It defies physics.
  2. Look high as hell, always.
  3. Just have something in your mouth, constantly.
    Weeds out germaphobes.
  4. Only wear makeup once in awhile.
    It's a gambit that pays off every time someone says I'm looking good, in a REALLY surprised way. Yeah, I know how to contour. It's just TIME-CONSUMING.
  5. Dress weird for 29 and a half years
    Then start buying $600 coats in SoHo.
  6. Dump out your purse on the regs.
    Doesn't count unless there are over 10 tampons.
  7. Lie about your home life.
    To sound more interesting.
  8. Own a couple ball gowns, wear them in inappropriate situations.
  9. End up with the hottest, most popular normal even though that's not even how life works.
  10. Get your bitch face game going early.
    No one should confuse you for the geek.
  11. Do all your grooming in public.
    I'm still growing the balls to go all out and brush my hair on the train, but it's definitely where my makeup game happens. Sorry, guy wincing as he watches me apply mascara between Bergen and Jay.