You Don't Really Miss New York, Dummies

  1. I promise.
  2. Town ain't that big.
  3. @arimelber suggests staying home and watching a movie. My reaction:
  4. The only time I see my New York friends is when I'm in LA.
  5. Celebrities all confined to one space, usually indoors, instead of rambling free outdoors like God intended.
  6. Everyone thinks they are Seinfeld; don't seem to realize that Seinfeld was about people who belong in jail.
    Because they were such dicks. Is that who you want to be? A dick who can't even enjoy a black and white cookie without making it a fucking BIT?
  7. Eye contact is shocking and brings disgrace to your borough.
  8. The only time you hear the word "vibe" is in the syllable before "brator."
  9. Stench of urine; view of feces.
  10. Everyone's very real Seasonal Affective Disorder that they won't admit to.
    "Oh weird, I've also fantasized about hanging myself from the rafters since October. But honestly, it's like where can you even buy rope anymore?"
  11. We are all so mean to ourselves.
    Born out of faulty logic that since we dreamt of living here as children, we must be masochists as adults.
  12. ROUSs
  13. "City that never sleeps" actually translates to "City that forgot to fill its Xanax prescription before that shit jumped a Substance Schedule."
  14. Everything above 14th street could fall into the sea tomorrow and it would only be noticeable in sudden lack of Creepy Times Square Elmos.
  15. After years of going to all the cool restaurants and nightclubs and hot new mixology apothecaries, you couldn't convince two friends to come over for dinner to save your life.
  16. It's one thing to not know how to drive. It's another to openly sneer at people who have their licenses as "suckers."
    I get it, we're in New York. No one has a car. But when I tell you how much I like driving by myself, you don't get to shout "OVERRATED!" How would you know?!
  17. "NIGHT TERRORS!" screamed the ESL tutor in Starbucks. "YOU GOT IT! NIGHT TERRORS!"