Backyard Baseball Lineup

Only original characters: None of that bullshit stacked team with Pros
  1. 1.
    Pete Wheeler (1B)
    Wheeler has wheels. Always a lock at the top of any potent lineup. Power, line drive, grounder, bunt? Doesn't matter. Expect him to at least reach first which basically means third after he swipes two bags. Kid is dumb as rocks and doesn't know what sport he's playing most of the time but that's meaningless once this lanky lefty hits the batters box (facing the right way). Throw him at first cause there's little action. Petey struggles in the field.
  2. 2.
    Amir Khan (ShortStop/reliever)
    Amir is your classic two-hitter. Rarely strikes out and can rope line drives. Does a little bit of everything. Having his big brother Achmed on the team always helps him keep his composure on the mound. A generally liked young gun to have in the clubhouse. Give him a short wall in left and expect a few homers. Sorry about the soccer photo.
  3. 3.
    Pablo (2B/Closer)
    Was there ever any doubt where the Secret Weapon would fall in this lineup. 2 foot nothing with a bigger beer gut than me but let's face it, Pablo defines baseball. This Spanish speaking, backwards hat wearing munchkin has never seen an outfield fence he can't clear. If he does end up putting the ball in play, he's got the speed to steal on anyone. If he's got juice left in the tank, throw him on the mound to close it out. Heater, heater, heater. Next up. Also secretly speaks English. LOVE IT!!!
  4. 4.
    Mikey Thomas (RF)
    Power. Booger has power. And loads of it. His patented closed batting stance gives him the ability to bomb balls over any fence. I've legit seen Mikey hit it out of Tin Can Alley. Those buildings are like 10 stories high. No aluminum power bat necessary. Slow as dirt so don't try and draw any walks but put him in right field paired with a center fielder that has range. Mikey has a Bo Jackson arm to gun people out at third and home. But for the love of God can he get some damn Mucinex?
  5. 5.
    Achmed Khan (Catcher)
    The other Khan brother is here. Another power hitter makes for a lethal 3-4-5 righty/lefty/righty combo. Your classic pull hitter. I'll say he normally comes up big if Pablo and Mikey somehow let you down. Has an above average arm so makes sense to have him behind the plate. Makes even more sense if Amir is on the mound. Always blastin heavy metal really jacks everybody up. Backyard sports a little racist making the Axeman's birthday on 7/11 though.
  6. 6.
    Keisha Phillips (LF)
    I'm not quite sure what IT is, but Keisha has it. An absolute treat to watch shag fly balls pregame. Once Flash's legs get moving she can straight up fly. Make sure you're hitting line drives with her as she loves to get on top of the ball with the quickest bat speed in the league. And I'd just like to add what a happy girl she is. Quite frankly, her attitude is contagious. I bet she could get Sally Dobbs to laugh. Only athlete to rival her sense of humor is Ernie Steele.
  7. 7.
    Ernie Steele (CF)
    Speak of the devil. Funnybones and Keisha could make the whole league laugh but could also roam the outfield by themselves. His 5'6 frame is 4 feet of legs. Great cover for ole Booger in right. Steele is a below average hitter but with the six studs in front of him, does it really matter? A great backyard team needs two things: premier athletes and joyous love for the game of baseball. Ernie provides both.
  8. 8.
    Annie Frazier (3B)
    Surprise pick. Always enjoyed Annie's free spirit. She wears a t shirt with a rainbow on it and strapped sandals. Actually has decent pop in her bat and can play the hot corner with ease. Basically is decent at everything. Having her hit behind Ernie is nice because his speed combined with her ability to find the gaps makes for a lot of RBIs. Flipper does have an issue with killing the grass to put dirt down and I'm pretty sure she missed practice for Coachella, but we love her anyway.
  9. 9.
    Luanne Lui (Pitcher)
    Little LuLu can't hit for anything, not even to save her precious teddy. Her small frame makes her an absolute liability in the field. However, behind Wheeler she has the most speed in the league. And of backyard kids nobody rivals her status on the mound except for maybe Delvecchio's little sister. Not the best heater, but devastating hooks with a Cole Hamels-esque change up can fool any slugger. She's adorable, too. We can only imagine her potential if she ever put teddy down.