CLASSIFIEDS

  1. Wanted: male, dark hair, mid-late 20s or early 30s, who can explain the stock market to me every morning while he makes me coffee and oatmeal
  2. Wanted: woman resembling Jessica Walter, who will make snide comments when I'm being unproductive
  3. Selling: excess existential dread, will accept bagels as payment
  4. Looking for: a pair of high waisted jean shorts that are baggy in just the right way, but don't show my ass. Will pay in old copies of Vogue
  5. Missed Connection: cute bartender at cool bar, wearing all black, had discussions about the Harry Potter themed drink he made
  6. For hire: I will do your eyebrows while we listen to new Justin Bieber tracks and rant about politics. Payment: half a bottle of wine/ hour