IF PEOPLE MAGAZINE'S SEXIEST MEN ALIVE WERE IN THE HUNGER GAMES

A comprehensive tale.
  1. Matthew McConaughey
    District 7: Matthew steps off the podium, "Alright, alright, alright" he says trying to get everyone to cooperate through love and peace, but instead get's a ninja star through the chest, courtesy of Tom Cruise.
  2. Jude Law
    District 7: Confused and lost without Matthew by his side, Jude accidentally falls into a crevasse.
  3. Mel Gibson
    District 9: The horn sounds and the games have begun, Mel has already drank two bottles of scotch and falls on Denzel's spear. "That was easy", mutters Denzel.
  4. Mark Hamon
    District 8: In the fray after the horn sounds, he rushes to the cornucopia trying to find supplies, only to be found by Chris and Channing and subsequently killed by head injury.
  5. Sean Connery
    District 10: Sean and JFK Jr. grab their supplies and head for the tree line, but Sean realizing he is no longer in his Bond days and cannot run as fast, looks back and sees Pierce and Denzel charging them and surrenders. He dies at the hands of Pierce(who still considers himself to be in his Bond days) by bow and arrow. JFK Jr. manages to escape.
  6. Adam Levine
    District 11: Adam, under the impression everyone loves him and that no one will kill him, strolls around the arena with pride. Hugh, upon noticing this behaviour, whips a javelin at his chest. Adam did not see it coming.
  7. JFK Jr.
    District 10: After Sean's demise, he makes it to the tree line only to be found by Clooney's gang who've now called themselves the Oceans 11 gang. Death by strangulation.
  8. Richard Gere
    District 12: Tries to join Clooney and Brad's gang, but is laughed off as Clooney whips a knife at him.
  9. Harry Hamlin
    District 8: He joins up with Patrick, Ryan, and Bradley. They get ambushed by Chris and Channing's gang while asleep and died by quick arrows delivered by Chris.
  10. Patrick Swayze
    District 12: Dies by Chris and Channing. "He deserved better..." everyone declares. Dirty Dancing is secretly Chris' favourite movie.
  11. Bradley Cooper
    District 11: Made it farther than everyone had predicted, but unfortunately dies at the hands of Chris and Channing by a brutal, yet beautiful, throat slit. "Struck down in his prime," mutters Channing.
  12. Ryan Reynolds
    District 9: Dies along with the others. Last words were some mumbles about how how Blake will care more about Preserves' death than his.
  13. Denzel Washington
    District 3: Was teamed up with Harrison and Pierce in Clooney's gang but then stops to tie his shoe and said he'd catch up. He then mistakes another star for the North Star and accidentally heads East. He wanders into Tom and Hugh's camp and tries to take them on, but is killed by Hugh by a brutal neck break. Died heroically.
  14. Nick Nolte
    Not even from any district, was aimlessly walking around the Capitol and got mistaken for a tribute, made it very far in the games because no one understood why he was there. He gets killed by Matt through blunt force trauma to the head.
  15. Hugh Jackman
    District 1: Tom and Hugh join up with Chris and Channing and form the careers and Tom teaches Hugh his mission impossible run as they dart across the arena on a killing spree. Hugh, feeling very self conscious without his wolverine claws is killed by a rampaging Harrison who was searching for a water source.
  16. Harrison Ford
    District 5: Upon meeting the eccentric and spacey Depp, Ford realizes he needs a new alliance stat. Upon quoting some classic Indy lines, he is welcomed into Clooney and Brad's Oceans 11. He is unfortunately killed when he quips about Billy Bob Thornton during an argument with Brad.
  17. Channing Tatum
    District 2: Accidentally dies when he is competing with Chris on who can lift the bigger rock over their head and tries to go big or go home and drops the rock on his own head.
  18. Pierce Brosnan
    District 3: Clooney, Brad, Matt and Ben decide its his time to go in order for them to move forward in the game. A Lord of the Flies type manhunt ensues. Killed by Ben through spear to head.
  19. Johnny Depp
    District 5: Upon being ditched by Harrison, he aimlessly wanders through jungle changing in and out of his eccentric characters while muttering to himself. Finally runs into the Ocean's 11 gang, and is chased down the beach Pirates of the Caribbean style. Dies from drowning upon trying to swim to safety when one of his emergency water wings deflates.
  20. Tom Cruise
    District 1: After Hugh's death, Tom decides to be the lone wolf he's always wanted to be, and makes it to the final 6. Until Brad Pitt kills him in hand to hand combat after Tom mistakenly thinks his Mission Impossible skills can beat Fight Club skills. Tom dies saying it isn't over, because he's already reached Level 102-Plamsa in Scientology and his spirit has already moved on to the better dimension.
  21. Chris Hemsworth
    District 2: Alone, Chris valiantly and stupidly tries to take on Clooney's gang himself. After an hours long battle, he hold his own for a while but receives a fatal stab from Clooney. His last regret was not auditioning for Ocean's 11 when he had the chance.
  22. Matt Damon/Ben Affleck
    District 4: They join the Ocean's 11 gang during training. They manage to make it to the finale four through lots of gifts from William Goldman, Rob Reiner, and Kevin Smith. But then, Matt realizes Ben kind of had a shady look in his eye, so he stabs him in the back with a knife and says "how about them apples?" He then sees Brad and George closing in and gets an axe to the face.
  23. George Clooney/Brad Pitt
    District 6: They pull off an Oceans 11 and band together a ragtag group of guys, and are left the last two standing at the end, so they are forced to pull a Peeta/Katniss and both win through the power of love, friendship, and good hair. "Now we've finally redeemed ourselves for Oceans 12," they say in unison through sighs of relief. "No you haven't" says President Snow over the loudspeaker. Poisonous gas fills the arena.