1. Are you the reluctant son of a Mafia boss? If yes, then you're good. If no, call your city to find out when garbage day is.
  2. Are you a treasure hunting god? If yes, go ahead! If no, your hat probably belongs in a museum(of gross fashion trends)
  3. Did you just accidentally-on-purpose shave your head on your wedding day and have a fedora as your only hat option? If yes, then suck it up and hope your fiancé will still marry you. If no, then your hat should probably be burned
  4. Are you on your way to rob a bank in the 1930s? If yes, glad your dressing up for the occasion. If no, you should go to jail for crimes against humanity.
  5. Are you Leonard Cohen? If yes, keep on keeping on. If no, to the wood chipper your hat should go.
  6. Are you auditioning for the eventual remake of Casablanca? If yes, that's fine I guess. If no, then leave your hat at the door k thanks.
  7. Are you on your way to perform in your local community theatre's production of Guys and Dolls? If yes, take it off until the show and simmer down. If no, you should get the point by now.