Get your ice-cold zingers here. Free zingers while supplies last.
  1. They say a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Well I say two Bushes is enough Bushes.
  2. If you think Barack Obama plays too much golf, wait until Mr. Trump tries to build a course on the White House front lawn!
  3. I've seen Walkers on The Walking Dead look more alive than the Wisconsin governor does tonight.
  4. Our country doesn't need a neurosurgeon, Dr. Carson. It needs to take two Advil, and call me when it's morning in America!
  5. I think Mike Huckabee supporters caught whatever disease caused all those other bee populations to disappear in 2006.
  6. With respect to the senator, Colony Collapse Disorder is simply not a laughing matter. I don't hear America's farmers joking about cost increases, crop shortages, and parasitic Varroa mites.
  7. You don't have to go to a theater to see a Rogue Nation. We've got one right here in America under Barack Hussein Obama.
  8. Senator, I know Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise is a friend of mine. I watched Mission: Impossible 5. Senator, you're no Tom Cruise. Unless, of course, you are Tom Cruise, wearing a Ted Cruz mask.
  9. It's a good thing Rand Paul wants to end drone strikes as president because, frankly, I would also be worried about what he would use them for.
  10. Mr. Christie, you can't be president. We need you lying down at the border until we get that wall up!
  11. That's nice. I'm always excited to see if it's gonna be a fat joke or a bridge joke. I guess you managed to tie in the bridge angle somewhat, metaphorically. Didn't expect it from you, John, to be honest. Trump, sure. Rubio, maybe. But you? Who had Kasich makes a Christie fat joke in their office pool? Not me. Well, played, sir. Well, played.