THINGS I WOULD TELL MY 20-YEAR-OLD SELF IF I COULD VISIT HIM NOW

  1. You should invest in Apple computer.
  2. What do mean with what money? You have some money don't you? Like a few hundred bucks? Seriously? You don't have a few hundred bucks?
  3. I don't have any money on me. I just stepped into a time machine. I didn't even bring my wallet.
  4. I don't know. Don't you have any friends who could lend you some money?
  5. That's kind of pathetic. Well then you should invent a time machine and go back and tell the yen-year-old version of us to invent Apple computer.
  6. I can't do it myself. Apparently my time machine only goes to 1989.
  7. I have no idea. There're no dials or anything. I just hit a button and here I am. Why is it my fault all of a sudden?
  8. I'm not being defensive I'm just explaining the situation. I can't go back any further.
  9. You literally got a visitor from the future to guide you in life. Not everybody gets that. I mean you don't have to like bow down to me but you could at least appreciate the effort.
  10. Fine. Forget it. I don't care. I'm fine with my life the way it is.
  11. Then why did I come back? I don't know. I mean it's not perfect. I would've liked to be a billionaire.
  12. I'm not living in the past.
  13. No, I'm not. I am literally in the past. But trust me I have no plans to take up residence in this shithole.
  14. Honestly I'm feeling like this whole thing wasn't a mistake. Live your life. Do whatever. Nobody cares.
  15. Actually, wait. Have a lot more sex.