ROASTING MY FRIEND
Last night, a friend of mine threw a roast for himself for his 21st birthday. I was asked to be one of the roasters. Here is what I said.
- •I'm so glad that you chose to have your birthday party in a public place. Last time I was at your birthday party, it was because I threw it at my house.
- •That was the night I found out that George is like the mouse from If You Give A Mouse A Cookie, or the pig from If You Give A Pig A Pancake - whichever you prefer.
- •I found that, if you throw George a birthday party, he's going to want to spend the night after.
- •If you let him spend the night after, he'll hide boys in your bathroom.
- •If you go to bed before him, he'll take those boys into your extra bedroom.
- •If he takes those boys into the extra bedroom, you'll hear him having a threesome with those boys.At this point, I told everyone what George sounds like in bed. I can't really do it justice in prose.
- •If you don't say anything while he's having a threesome in your house, you'll hear him say "Let's take a shower."
- •If he tells them to take a shower, you'll wonder how three adult men fit into your small shower...but they do! You can hear that they for sure do!
- •But then it'll be 3 in the morning and you'll be tired so you'll have to tell them to leave.
- •If you tell them to leave, you'll hear: *smooch* "happy birthday" *door slams*
- •If they leave, George will feel terrible and you'll have to reassure him that it's really fine, you were just tired.
- •If he is reassured in your friendship, he'll use his fake ID to buy you both Bud Light Strawberitas on the Fourth of July.
- •If you drink Stawberitas on the Fourth of July, you'll get drunk and need to pee on the way back from watching fireworks on the beach.
- •If you need to pee, you'll find yourselves holding hands around a tree in the middle of Lincoln Park, peeing together.
- •That was the moment that I think really solidified our friendship, even more than the threesome in my home.
- •I love you, happy birthday!
- •*this was a really wonderful night full of love and joy and togetherness after a couple of truly difficult and emotionally trying days for myself and my friends. I'm so lucky to be able to gather safely in a queer space and enjoy myself. We will not let fear win.*