Last night, a friend of mine threw a roast for himself for his 21st birthday. I was asked to be one of the roasters. Here is what I said.
  1. I'm so glad that you chose to have your birthday party in a public place. Last time I was at your birthday party, it was because I threw it at my house.
  2. That was the night I found out that George is like the mouse from If You Give A Mouse A Cookie, or the pig from If You Give A Pig A Pancake - whichever you prefer.
  3. I found that, if you throw George a birthday party, he's going to want to spend the night after.
  4. If you let him spend the night after, he'll hide boys in your bathroom.
  5. If you go to bed before him, he'll take those boys into your extra bedroom.
  6. If he takes those boys into the extra bedroom, you'll hear him having a threesome with those boys.
    At this point, I told everyone what George sounds like in bed. I can't really do it justice in prose.
  7. If you don't say anything while he's having a threesome in your house, you'll hear him say "Let's take a shower."
  8. If he tells them to take a shower, you'll wonder how three adult men fit into your small shower...but they do! You can hear that they for sure do!
  9. But then it'll be 3 in the morning and you'll be tired so you'll have to tell them to leave.
  10. If you tell them to leave, you'll hear: *smooch* "happy birthday" *door slams*
  11. If they leave, George will feel terrible and you'll have to reassure him that it's really fine, you were just tired.
  12. If he is reassured in your friendship, he'll use his fake ID to buy you both Bud Light Strawberitas on the Fourth of July.
  13. If you drink Stawberitas on the Fourth of July, you'll get drunk and need to pee on the way back from watching fireworks on the beach.
  14. If you need to pee, you'll find yourselves holding hands around a tree in the middle of Lincoln Park, peeing together.
  15. That was the moment that I think really solidified our friendship, even more than the threesome in my home.
  16. I love you, happy birthday!
  17. *this was a really wonderful night full of love and joy and togetherness after a couple of truly difficult and emotionally trying days for myself and my friends. I'm so lucky to be able to gather safely in a queer space and enjoy myself. We will not let fear win.*