Reasons Why I'll Never Be a WWE Superstar
As a kid, you watch WWE and think, "Hey, I could do that!" It's pretty clear as an adult that I can't and won't. Here are the reasons why.
- •Even at my fittest, I'm still dad-bod-tasticWWE is populated with people who look as though they just stepped off a comic book page. A Rob Liefeld comic book page. I'm a dude with moderate muscle mass who gets winded after fifteen burpees. So, there's a difference.
- •I'm not sure I can put that much trust in another human beingHave you seen some of the sick spots that they do on Monday Night Raw, much less at a PPV like SummerSlam? That takes guts and an insane amount of trust to do something like Neville's Red Arrow from the top turnbuckle.
- •There's a chance of career- or life-ending injuryI once broke my wrist and thought I may never play guitar again. For someone like Mick Foley back in his heyday, it was a typical night. The amount of punishment these men and ladies take on a nightly basis is unreal. Wrestling may be "fake," but getting powerbombed to the mat is oh so very real.
- •Training to be a superstar is almost more brutal than the real thingThere are tales of dudes spending YEARS in developmental getting their rears handed to them day after day in the hopes of having a shot at getting called up to the main roster. This is the kind of development where people, put you in headlocks, slam you down, and generally slap you around for eight-ish hours a day. If it were a college fraternity, it would so be shut down by now.
- •For every Stone Cold Steve Austin, there are about a thousand or more Bull Buchanan'sWe all have dreams of our entrance music hitting and hearing the massive crowd pop that goes along with it. Those kinds of entrances are reserved for the big leaguers. Of which, there are statistically very few. The rest spend their days toiling in obscurity as jobbers: company people who will do anything to make the big guys look good. It's like if you were a AA ball player pitching to Mark McGwire in his prime. Statistically, that's where most of us would fall.
- •The travel is awful.It's not tourism travel, it's "I need to get to Cleveland to get beat up and then I need to get on a plane to Houston so I can do it again on Thursday." That's not counting the mileage when driving. Seth Rollins gave a quote to GQ where he said, "...the longest stretch I've been home is four days in three years." Yikes. Not to mention getting weird looks from TSA when protein explodes in your carry-on bag.
- •The crowd can turn on you in an instantThe WWE Universe is awesome, but they can be awful at the same time. As a wrestler, you're not allowed to have a "bad day." The fans will cotton on and boo you, or worse, leave. The internet wrestling community can be particularly vicious because, well, there's a small-yet-vocal faction of neckbeards in every internet corner proving why we can't have nice things.
- •It's always better as a spectator.I'll never be the one in the ring, I'm okay with that. I'm not the one who has to try and memorize dialogue, deliver it convincingly, AND give someone a moonsault from the top rope. I'm just going to say that I love watching WWE. I know it's fake, and sometimes it sucks. But when it's good, it's freaking incredible. I'm okay with being a spectator if it means I get to watch an event like Daniel Bryan winning the title at Wrestlemania.