MEDICAL DRAMAS: I HAVE LEARNED A LOT

i watched all 900 seasons of ER, I pay for Showtime just for Nurse Jackie and I am one of the only 3 people I know who still watch Grey's Anatomy. So...I could pretty much deliver your baby.
  1. if a sucking chest injury from a stabbing or gunshot is your problem: drinking straws will save your life
    see: juliana margs as a hostage in her local deli, trying to save the old man's life. (cut open a hole in the side of a chest w a box cutter or scissors and stick a capri sun straw in)
  2. The more you're a carefree jokester who is beloved by your doctors the more likely you are to die from a "routine procedure"
    see: every other episode of grey's. better to stay stay sullen and a little mean
  3. No one cares how they take their coffee
    on Greys and Nurse Jacks everyone always spontaneously has an extra coffee for another nurse or doctor but never says like "it's got skim, no sugar" or "don't worry, I put 6 equals in it just the way you like it" they just say : i got you a coffee! and the other person is like Thanks! gulp.
  4. Doctors fuck a lot, usually in the rooms where all the sterile gauze and extra scrubs are kept
    greys, nurse jackie, ER. hornballs, all of em. the On-Call Room is also somewhere where I hope someone is changing the sheets
  5. v fib , tachycardia, embolism, diastolic, hematoma: youre fucked
    not sure what they all are but they cause Meredith Grey to say them with concern or alarm so youre probably dying
  6. Impacted bowels are what you make interns clear out when you hate them
    this seems like a nightmare for everyone involved
  7. They save a lot of their relationship discussions for when your body is open on an operating table
    you know, hang out time
  8. it hurts like hell to be intubated, extabated, or to get a central line
    these are the 3 things they always warn people will "hurt like hell" and it's also the 3 things the interns always fuck up.
  9. Elevators are an emotionally charged space
    tension you can cut with a scalpel !!! take the stairs!!