a serious list??? I'm not walking around in tears over this, but it is something that weighs on my mind. i might delete this.
  1. i feel like I am the only person I know who can't get pregnant just by talking about it with my husband
    I cant even count how many of my friends are like "we were like, lets have one! and then 2 weeks later i was pregnant!" i've heard this story a lot. that's some hashtag blessed shit
  2. it's hard for me to make a Big Decision and not be able to follow through with it
    I manage a bunch of people and I creatively shape a magazine + media company; I'm decisive and I like to have things be done. When I was 30 I quit a job at the NYT and sold all my furniture and was a nomad bc I needed a break. I left Conde Nast last year because I wanted to be in California and be the boss at a company. I want a kid and it's been hard to accept that I can't make this happen when I want. I know this sounds crazy.
  3. Every time "no kids yet?!" comes up in conversation it gets harder to be breezy about the answer
    "That's the plan!" "We're working on it!" i mean these are stock answers but if there are follow ups I get really uncomfortable and a little sad
  4. The truly type-A path is more work than I can handle
    I know my limits. I'm not going to be taking my temperature 4 times a day and always checking the texture of my cervical mucus (men of ListApp, deal with it) I have a period tracker, I pee on those ovulation sticks, I keep alcohol to a minimum when i'm most fertile and thats about what I can do. Maybe this is the problem?
  5. I take pre-natal vitamins with coffee and sometimes wine
    Not the best way to work towards the goal?
  6. When sex is something you have to DO right NOW it's a little stressful
    I mean duh. There's been one great woman I know who emailed me and was like "it was the most perfunctory sex of my life for one fucking year but now we have this awesome dude". I don't feel un-sexy about doing it when we "should" but I do sometimes worry later like WAS THIS THE RIGHT DAY??
  7. I hate getting my period more than I ever did before and that's saying a lot
    It sucks every month ANYWAY but now it's like, ooops sowwy! You're a failure, enjoy these cramps! Just another joy of womanhood
  8. The jealousy
    I HATE jealousy. its the darkest and most useless of all the feelings. IT WILL EAT YOU ALIVE. But when I see a new announcement on social media abt a baby, especially if they got married after us or same time as us or WHATEVER: i feel a deep twist in my heart. and I hate it. When i am truly dark I feel jealous of those close to me who've had abortions because at least they know they can do this if they choose to. that's terrible, and I know it.
  9. The darkest thoughts
    What if we actually CAN'T have a baby? What if it takes 5 years? What if it happens and I hate being a mom? What if I get the worst post-partum depression anyone's ever had? There are so many more but I don't want to list them