TRYING TO MAKE A HUMAN
a serious list??? I'm not walking around in tears over this, but it is something that weighs on my mind. i might delete this.
- •i feel like I am the only person I know who can't get pregnant just by talking about it with my husbandI cant even count how many of my friends are like "we were like, lets have one! and then 2 weeks later i was pregnant!" i've heard this story a lot. that's some hashtag blessed shit
- •it's hard for me to make a Big Decision and not be able to follow through with itI manage a bunch of people and I creatively shape a magazine + media company; I'm decisive and I like to have things be done. When I was 30 I quit a job at the NYT and sold all my furniture and was a nomad bc I needed a break. I left Conde Nast last year because I wanted to be in California and be the boss at a company. I want a kid and it's been hard to accept that I can't make this happen when I want. I know this sounds crazy.
- •Every time "no kids yet?!" comes up in conversation it gets harder to be breezy about the answer"That's the plan!" "We're working on it!" i mean these are stock answers but if there are follow ups I get really uncomfortable and a little sad
- •The truly type-A path is more work than I can handleI know my limits. I'm not going to be taking my temperature 4 times a day and always checking the texture of my cervical mucus (men of ListApp, deal with it) I have a period tracker, I pee on those ovulation sticks, I keep alcohol to a minimum when i'm most fertile and thats about what I can do. Maybe this is the problem?
- •I take pre-natal vitamins with coffee and sometimes wineNot the best way to work towards the goal?
- •When sex is something you have to DO right NOW it's a little stressfulI mean duh. There's been one great woman I know who emailed me and was like "it was the most perfunctory sex of my life for one fucking year but now we have this awesome dude". I don't feel un-sexy about doing it when we "should" but I do sometimes worry later like WAS THIS THE RIGHT DAY??
- •I hate getting my period more than I ever did before and that's saying a lotIt sucks every month ANYWAY but now it's like, ooops sowwy! You're a failure, enjoy these cramps! Just another joy of womanhood
- •The jealousyI HATE jealousy. its the darkest and most useless of all the feelings. IT WILL EAT YOU ALIVE. But when I see a new announcement on social media abt a baby, especially if they got married after us or same time as us or WHATEVER: i feel a deep twist in my heart. and I hate it. When i am truly dark I feel jealous of those close to me who've had abortions because at least they know they can do this if they choose to. that's terrible, and I know it.
- •The darkest thoughtsWhat if we actually CAN'T have a baby? What if it takes 5 years? What if it happens and I hate being a mom? What if I get the worst post-partum depression anyone's ever had? There are so many more but I don't want to list them