1. I'm using this step stool to work out. I built this step stool. What have I ever built that hasn't spectacularly fallen apart? Why am I trusting this step stool with my slightly overweight body?
  2. What if I pass out? My roommate won't be home for 8 more hours. I'll probably get in trouble for missing work. But they're gonna feel REAL bad when they find out that I've been laying on the floor all day almost dead.
  3. Oh my god it has to have been 7 minutes by now. Holy shit it's only been 2 1/2. I need a break. Like an island getaway break. Why am I not rich? If I'm not rich by 35 I'm ending it.
  4. Look at your legs. Look at them. When did this happen? Remember when you worked out 2 hours a day in college and thought you were fat? Let's get back to that. Not the thinking you're fat part. The other part.
  5. When's breakfast? Why don't I like eggs more? I really like them in theory but when it comes to making them it just bums me out. I should buy eggs and force myself to cook them. Maybe.
  6. I think I'm addicted to food. I should try hypnotherapy to get myself off loving food so much. It's like, an actual addiction. This is just like heroin but I'm gonna get obese instead of skinny and dead. This is the worst.
  8. Fuck this. I should just do another expensive fad workout. It like, really motivates me.
  9. Oh Jesus. Is that what I look like? This mirror must be lying. No wait. This is a skinny mirror. Fucking fuck.
  10. If my roommate doesn't help me clean this weekend I'm gonna kick her in the clitoris. I live in a trash heap. I should get a nicer apartment. I can afford it if I stop eating Whole Foods all the time. Lol I'm not gonna do that.
  11. Does ANYONE have a workout playlist I can just steal? I really need to stop listening to this under 18 year old boy pop star from 2008. It's making me feel creepy. But it's so catchy.
  12. I can't even DO this workout.
  13. Maybe if I get a dog it would force me to work out because I'd have to take him out. But then I'd just be responsible for another life...
  14. God if anyone saw me working out in my underwear and a sports bra right now I would die.
  15. What if someone is robbing the living room while I'm in here and I can't hear them because I'm listening to music? Should I lock my door just in case? No one can see me like this.
  16. I don't know how I'm going to make it through another 14 minutes of this horse shit.
  17. Wow I cuss a lot when I work out
  18. "One ticket for Seth McFarland Cuss Bear" still the best tweet