What guys say on Tinder vs What they actually mean

Because I want all you new Android Baby followers and this is V ON BRAND FOR ME.
  1. "Don't waste my time"
    Please be dtf immediately because I don't have time to deal with your personality or that you're a human, and you're definitely not allowed to change your mind. If you do, it's because of you, not me and you're obviously difficult and unloveable.
  2. "I don't send the first message. Wow me."
    Girls never message me back so I'm hoping I'm hot enough that this reverse psychology will work on you and you'll come after me. Also I don't try very hard in bed.
  3. "Oh yeah, I'm so impressed by your hiking pictures 🙄"
    I'm a miserable human who will shit on your happiness and tear you down. Please don't date me so I can dig deeper into this well of self-loathing.
  4. "We have to come up with an elaborate lie about how we met!"
    Oh god I hope someone I work with doesn't see me on here. I can pretend it's a joke profile right?! Ugh my best friends signed me up at a party once, I'm never on it.. Agh I'm so embarrassed and can't handle that I can be seen on a dating app!!!!
  5. "I guess it matters, I'm [height]"
    I know it matters and I'm humble bragging because I'm tall. Fuck you shorties I'm humble AF.
  6. "What are you on here for?"
    I'm only looking for a hook up and I'm asking because most girls aren't and I don't want to seem like one of those guys who are only on here to hook up. But I'm only on here to hook up.
  7. "[inspirational quote]"
    I don't have anything interesting to say and I'm hoping I'm hot enough that you don't figure that out until after we sleep together.
  8. If you are any of these list of things, just go ahead and swipe left.
    Please self-eliminate yourself because I can't waste my precious time finding out you hold viewpoints I don't unequivocally agree with. I'm a dick. Run from me.
  9. These are my accomplishments (job title, probably in entertainment).
    This is the most interesting thing about me and my best shot at getting laid.
  10. "If you're not spontaneous, don't bother."
    I don't want to imagine your life or know that you have one so be ready to meet up immediately or I'll just get so annoyed with the fact you have a set schedule. Ugh I just want you to exist for me and me only. I don't think that's asking too much.
  11. No actresses
    I'm eliminating an entire category of smart, pretty, fun girls because ugh they're just all the same, you know?
  12. "If you don't read books, I won't fuck you."
    Just kidding, that's never happened.