WAYS TO EXPLAIN HOW IT FEELS TO BE A NEW DAD

My 11 week-old daughter has completely changed my life. My childless buddies don't get it.
  1. You love someone so much you smell their poop. Heck, you WANT to smell it.
  2. You are a non-threatening stalker of a tiny celebrity who lives in your home.
  3. You get so tired that you dream about sleeping.
  4. You have an intense (non-romantic) crush on someone who doesn't even know your name.
  5. You get punched in the face by someone repeatedly. Then you have to go change their diaper.
  6. Your proudest moment in your entire life is nothing compared to your child's newfound ability to lift up their head.
  7. You freak out thinking about how you're passing on terrible habits.
  8. You are an amateur Sherlock Holmes, obsessively trying to understand your child's behavior through "clues".
  9. You realize how different genders are because the mother is a bottomless pit of patience and love. You can handle 45 minutes tops.