1. Because I'm not an overly friendly guy at a Methodist church.
  2. Because I'm not here to advise you on health insurance.
  3. Because I'm not the parent who stands up at a school board meeting and describes the traffic situation near Renwood Elementary as "grave."
  4. Because I don't refuse to join in on a game of Celebrity but then sit within earshot and just shout out guesses the whole time.
  5. Because I'm not wearing an NFL sweatshirt.
  6. Because I don't shake people's hands with multiple Gs of force.
  7. Because I don't quote Jay Leno jokes.
  8. Because I don't have a car alarm.