10 Things I Want From My Next Phone (iPhone-Rant)

From an admitted Apple fan-boy, and fully acknowledging that Android has done most/if not all of these things...
  1. 1.
    Better Speakers
    Yes Apple; it's 2016 and one tinny downward facing speaker is no longer acceptable. It is a phone after all, so being able to use the "speakerphone" function, without holding the phone sideways, would be nice. If you could just go ahead and install 2 front facing speakers in the next iPhone (so that we can watch cat videos in STEREO), that would be grrrrreat.
  2. 2.
    MOAR Storage
    So help me Apple, if you ship the next base-model iPhone with 16GB of onboard storage again, I will beat you with the hose. Guess how much flash storage you can buy with $100? 256GB. That's how much. I won't even ask you to stop increasing the size requirements for your photos/videos/apps, or to include a micro-SD card slot or an extra 5GB of bonus iCloud storage for your loyal customers (since we know you won't). Look, if you want to be a premium cutting-edge phone, act like it. More. Storage.
  3. 3.
    Bigger Battery
    Just freaking do it Apple. We are ALL sick and tired of today's measly 6-10 hours of battery life, and the solution isn't rocket science. Just make the phone's battery slightly bigger and STAHP with your pitiful excuse for an official battery case. The public is not going to riot if the next iPhone isn't 0.17mm thinner than the outgoing model. And speaking of "Thinner"...
  4. 4.
    A Design I Can Hold On To
    I will concede that Apple's design mantra of "Thinner, lighter, rounded, and more streamlined," has led to phones that have beautiful aesthetics. They beg you to touch them and hold them... and then THEY BETRAY YOU! I swear my 6s is suicidal. If it's not in a sticky rubberized case, it's like trying to grab a wet bar of soap. Please bring back the simple rectangular edges (or "chamfered facets", or whatever made-up fashionista term that Jony Ive Apple-seed is using this year).
  5. 5.
    A Headphone Jack
    If rumors are to be believed, Apple intends to ship the next iPhone WITHOUT a 3.5mm headphone jack. I'm sure this has nothing to do with their recent Beats acquisition, or an undying need to justify the existence of ANOTHER proprietary port by selling us scads of accessories, and then releasing a new proprietary port one year later. (See "30-pin", "thunderbolt 1 & 2", "FireWire 800", "MagSafe 1 & 2") For a company whose history is so richly tied to Music, this is a real D-bag move Apple.
  6. 6.
    A Better Charging Cable
    Universal truth time: Apple cables SUUUUUUUUCK! They are too thin, short, and weak to last longer than a few months of normal use before they start splitting/fraying/starting electrical fires. Oh and that will be $40 a pop. Another example of "thinner is not always better." This would be a good spot to insert a "I like my cables like I like my men/women" joke... Please leave these in the comments for my enjoyment 😁
  7. 7.
    A Better Camera
    As consumers, it's time we get smart about tech and stop buying into the marketing hype game that says "the Higher number of Megapixels, the better the camera!" Give me an 8MP camera, but with a larger image sensor, and a larger (even adjustable) aperture and you've instantly made the smartphone camera 1000x better. Especially for low-light shots. Also, don't talk to me if you think you NEED a 3D, 4K, 120fps, front-facing video camera ON YOUR PHONE. GTFO.
  8. 8.
    More Settings Toggles in the Control Center Drawer
    Location Services can be a huge battery drain if left on all the time (not to mention a privacy risk). But in order to turn it off, you have to go digging through 3 layers of settings menus. Blah. #FirstWorldProblems
  9. 9.
    Customizable Sounds/Ringtones/Themes
    Or at least more open to Third-party personalization packs... You win Android...
  10. 10.
    Google Maps as the Default Maps App
    Boo Apple Maps! Had to work in this cheap shot at the end.
  11. 11.
    If Apple Gives Us an iPhone With All of This...
    I'll dance a jig.