Wanna Know How I Got These Scars?
I think the Joker was probably being just a bit dramatic about what really happened. The truth about those scars is probably one of these much less dramatic possibilities. The following is a list of products and things known to cause damage to the face-mouth region. Requested by @NeighborFoodie
- •Fla•Vor•Ice freezer popsWe've all been there. Mind the edges.
- •Huge swirly lollipopThese colorful swirly candy vortexes hypnotize children in gift shops the world over. Unfortunately, hard candy has a propensity to sharpen to an edge over time. Kids often don't realize that they are sucking on essentially a circular-saw-blade-on-a-stick until it is too late.
- •Ring Pop... And speaking of hard candy. Ring Pops. If the Ginsu sharpened death facets of the candy don't get you, the plastic base probably will. That's IF you can avoid loosing a finger first due to lack of circulation or getting it caught in something and tearing off one of your digits.
- •Blow Pop/Tootsie Roll PopCan't leave these 2 off this list because 1.) No other manufacturer DELIBERATELY puts a creased candy SEAM in their lollipop. It's like they're saying, "We know that you're just going to suck this thing into a sharp edge anyways, so we saved you the trouble!" and 2.) When eating one of these pops, you will inevitably hit a pocket of air bubbles that got trapped in the candy. When this happens, your lollipop transforms into a strawberry-flavored Iron Throne hellbent on your mouth's destruction.
- •Mini battery fan"Oh yeah. I'm enjoying this personal gentle misty breeze. It feels just like a calm ocea" ZZZRRRRNNNG! "AAAAHHH!!! OH GOD! OH THE HUMANITY!!! MY FACE!!!"
- •Tin canMaybe you're eating Spaghetti-Os right from the can, and you catch your lip on the side of the can. No? Just me? Ok, well, you will feel my pain in a few years once the mason-jar fad dies and then we're all drinking from old tin cans at the newest hipster restaurant in town.
- •Cheap plastic fast food cupThat time when you take the lid off of your Taco Bell soda to get at some ice cubes and SUPRISE! Your friend (who is driving) nails a pothole or speed bump and you somehow lacerate your mouth corners from a combination of jamming the cup into your face and/or biting your own cheeks. Also, the cheaper the fast food joint, the sharper those plastic cups tend to be.
- •Hot coffeeSame as previous, except substitute scalding hot coffee instead of soda.
- •Opening plastic packaging with teethIt's Christmas morning, and you just opened an awesome new toy/gadget/thing, but it's surrounded by plastic clamshell packaging. Are you just gonna wait until gift opening is done and then patiently ask your dad for a pocket knife or scissors? Heck No! God gave you teeth for chewing beast meat and for THIS very purpose, so you chomp down, lock jaw, and channel your inner caveman. Years later, you will refer to this moment as "the incident."
- •Geodesic dome play structureIn the early through mid 90's, every school, playground, and park worth its salt had one of these bad boys. And, no, they weren't arenas built to encourage children to battle to the death. This is my generation's "We played with mercury in school!" Oh yeah, well our idea of a playground, was this unfinished steel construction site. Somewhere there should be a memorial to all the the broken bones, split lips, and missing teeth claimed by these "play structures."
- •CapriSun packetGuy #1: "You know what food item has absolutely no need for us to re-engineer? Juice boxes. They're the perfect size, shape, come with a straw attached, and they're easy to open and to hold onto." Guy #2: "Yeah, but you know what we COULD do is make them impossible for kids to open, change the straw into a bright yellow prison shiv, and put the juice into a floppy pouch!" Guy #1: "I LIKE IT! Let's also make them out of sharp foil, and make all the flavors really ambiguous with zero fruit!"
- •Eating pasteKeeping with the elementary school themed items: Paste. Someday we'll probably hear an expert tell us that we could all be living to 150 years old IF we hadn't eaten so much paste when we were young. It's only gonna take the FDA falling asleep at the wheel for a minute, and the glue company deciding that paste would be much cheaper to make if they put some crazy chemical that causes 3rd degree burns in it. Then God help us and our face-mouths.
- •Glow sticksSpeaking of burns and stuff kids put in their mouths. Glow sticks. Probably made of the same mysterious radioactive goop that powers our nuclear subs, but go to any sporting event/party/fair/circus, and they sell Glo-Stuff like it's the new world currency. We, as responsible adults, need to recognize that kid-logic says that all things that glow are magic. Hence, if I break open this vile of magic potion and drink it, I will become Spider-Man, or a Mutant Turtle, or X-Men or something like that.
- •Taco shell/Crab Rangoon/various crunchy ethnic foodEvery culture has their variation on the cheese and/or meat filled bread triangle. Whether baked, fried, or grilled, they are all good until you mistakingly conclude that the tasty ethnic treat in your hand is a "one-biter." When your estimation falls short, your face-mouth will pay the ultimate price for your carelessness. Coworker: "Jeez, what happened to your face? Is that from your cat?" Me: (ashamedly) "Uh, no. I had a cannoli this weekend that was bigger than it looked."
- •DoritosAlso fails into the "I can shove a whole one in" fantasy, only to be gashed in three places in my mouth.Suggested by @yutzyheat
- •Kettle chipsSome sick person took the harmless potato and turned it into a WMD (weapon of mouth destruction) called "the kettle chip." If that weren't bad enough, now they are adding spicy peppers, or salt and vinegar to the kettle chip to inflict maximum pain to any mouth wounds caused by these viscous spud flakes. This is probably Jimmy John's way of getting back at us for having such unrealistic expectations for how long we are willing to wait for our subs to be made.
- •No chapstick...Or maybe the Joker just lived in a really dry northern climate, during a particularly cold winter, and one day forgot his Chapstick.