I Finally Learned How to Shower
I am a twenty-three year old woman who overthinks everything and showering has been the fairly self-explanatory thing that I have been overthinking since I learned what water was. Here, showering humans (mostly women) of the world, is everything I've learned:
- •Wash your hair firstI guess it doesn't make sense to get your body all sparkly clean and then let all the hair germs (these exist, right?) cascade all down your shiny new body when you wash your hair and ruin all the hard work you just put in. Yes, showering is hard.
- •You don't need that much shampooForever, I was using a veritable 1/4 cup worth of shampoo every time I washed my hair. This made my hair the consistency akin to that girl from The Grudge and I don't even have straight pitch black hair.
- •Spend time cleaning your belly buttonDo you ever accidentally somehow maybe by purposely doing it, smell your belly button? It's GROSS and, I don't know, it's possible the love of your life might have a belly button fetish and you want to be READY. (All the general "you"'s I use in this list should be "I"'s. Sorry to drag "you" into this.)
- •Every woman is an artist and her canvas is the wall wherein she bathesI have spent more money on Drain-o™ in my life than I have on necessities like that surprisingly good Spanish white wine they have at Trader Joe's. To avoid this, use your shower time to be creative! Take the unreasonable amount of hair that falls out in the shower and arrange it on the wall to look like clouds in the sky or your perfect partner. Make a vision board outta that hair, girl!
- •After you're down showering, etch-a-sketch that shit and throw it in the trash or save it and recreate the vision board on an actual canvas. Please don't tell me about it though, that's very weird.
- •Pull the disconcerting amount of hair that falls into your butt crevice during the shower OUT of your butt crevice BEFORE you exit the shower (it took me an unfortunately long time to learn this)Add it to your vision board! I'm sure your perfect partner is missing a man bun.
- •Wash your parts. All of them.For a lot of my life, I was just RINSING down there. I'm pretty sure I learned that when my mother was still helping me bathe and then I accidentally carried it into my pubescent and post-pubescent life like a true idiot.
- •I have thick, curly hair. When I learned to finger comb my hair in the shower and never let those terry cloth nightmares close to it, my life changed. Towels and combs are to curly hair as Rachel Roy is to the Bey Hive. This took my from having Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing hair to looking and feeling like Jennifer Grey.
- •Even after all these epiphanies there are still a lot of things I don't understand about showering.Like: Why is shower sex a thing? Did you just hear me describe how thoroughly unsexy showering is? No one should have to see me red in the face AND body with hair that somehow always finds its way into a not-at-all-cute middle part EXCEPT FOR ME.
- •And, why do people brush their teeth in the shower?Are you showering in the morning AND at night? Do you have a separate toothbrush and toothpaste that you keep at the sink or do you just move it back and forth? Do you annoy yourself like you annoy me?
- •Anyways, very real doctor Dr. Oz, says that showering is important but finding the right way for YOU is the most important
- •With that being said, I will still only do it twice a week because all this shit is exhausting.