MY SUPERPOWERS

I seem like your average girl, but that's only because my cape is at the cleaners
  1. I will wow you with extremely frivolous and tangential pop trivia you didn't even want to know.
    It won't be useful trivia, but since it's in my head, I will share it with you. You will be partly impressed, mostly scared.
  2. Finding diet loopholes
    I can overeat my way out of any restrictive diet, which is probably why they don't scare me. You think there's nothing good to eat, but there is. I will find that one thing and eat the hell outta it.
  3. Finding a reason to contact a guy who doesn't deserve it
    As you can imagine, this served me VERY well for my 38 years as a single woman. In my defense, the guy whose tonsillectomy had gone awry, leading to weeks of legitimate, alibi'd silence, probably set me on the wrong path. Perhaps also misleading: my self-diagnosed "kinda psychic" abilities.
  4. Reading 8 or 9 books at once
    This may be more "shifty attention span" than "superpower". Tomato, tomahto.
  5. Speedy typing
    140 words a minute? Something like that. Related superpower: annoying the hell out of anyone within earshot.
  6. Supersonic hearing
    I have insanely sharp hearing if I'm paying attention. Someone can cough on the other side of the house and I'll come running. It also means I hear snippets of your conversation, whether or not I want to. Girls at the coffee shop, I hate to break it to you: evolution is a thing.
  7. Walking/running in heels
    I ran over a mile in 5 inch platforms. Thank you, dummies at LAX.
  8. Finding the bright side
    The day my car got stolen, I actually said "It showed me how lucky I am someone was there to pick me up!" I know. I want to punch myself in the face too.
  9. Karaoke-ing "We Are the World"
    It's dramatic and involves voice impersonation and singing with my back to the words, so they know who they're dealing with. She is mighty and she is powerful, and someday she'll get Cyndi Lauper just right.