THINGS I'VE PLEASURED MYSELF TO THAT I'VE NEVER BEFORE ADMITTED

  1. An erotic fan fiction of Nick and Aaron Carter doing it
    Not proud of this. But it happened more than once so I can't even claim it as an accident.
  2. An erotic fan fiction of the oldest Hanson brother going to town on himself.
    Yes, the one who's always in an awkward phase. Also realizing I read a lot of erotic fan fiction.
  3. An imagined scenario of my ex boyfriend sleeping with the salt-and-pepper sugar daddy he left me for.
    I am not a strong person.
  4. A conjugal visit from the cast of Full House
    This one has quite the backstory in which I'm doing 5-10 for armed robbery when Danny Tanner, Uncle Jesse and Uncle Joey (the latter mostly to videotape) visit me on an otherwise unspectacular Saturday.
  5. Boy Meets World
    Pretty much all of Season 3
  6. A Dane Cook stand-up special.
    This had nothing to do with Dane Cook. He just happened to be on in the background. Wrong place, wrong time.
  7. My other ex boyfriends OK Cupid profile
    Because it means I won.
  8. Days of Our Lives
    My mom would record it over episodes of the Rosie O'Donnell Show so sometimes little snippets of Rosie interviewing Donnie Osmond would erupt and really throw me off.
  9. The intro to 7th Heaven