1. Brandied apples. No, not brandy-soaked apples. We're talking about children here. So inappropriate. Bran-covered apples, bound to the fruit with tahini paste. So healthful!
  2. A letter from Heifer International letting the kids know a donation has been made in their name to help a family in Côte D'ivoire start a cacao plantation, giving children just like them the ability to sell chocolate to their neighbors.
  3. Off-brand candy, the likes of Guffaws, Dur-Durs, Lactic Way, or Almond Pleasure. Spend the money or turn your lights off and sit in the dark with your generic candy like a sex offender.
  4. Candy hearts everyone knows are left over from Valentine's Day. You have failed.