Please stop asking these questions. No really, please just stop

I've had it with people repeatedly asking these questions of my friends and I, because then we waste time afterwords venting about what an asshole you are. Please. Just. Stop.
  1. "Your friend is having trouble conceiving? Has she considered adoption?
    What is this 'adoption' you speak of? Sounds magical, I'm sure she's never heard of it. Please share your wisdom so I can't immediately solve her problems.
  2. "In your stroller are two babies who are the exact same age, are they twins?"
    No, they are triplets, I leave the ugly one at home.
  3. "When are you going to have children? I guess you don't want them?"
    Yes, by all means, assume I hate children and adorableness. Assume I have no sad story associated with not having children, or assume my reasons for not having kids will not offend you, so when I tell you why I don't have kids, our pleasant conversation with just continue like nothing happened...
  4. "I thought you were married... oh you are divorced. OMFG I am so sorry to hear that. You must be devastated."
    Divorces are like snow flakes. Every single one is different. But generally, if a divorce occurred, you can be assured that the marriage was not pleasant for some reason. It is probably a good thing that the parties have gone their separate ways. So just pump the breaks on all that tragic devastation talk, the hard times are over!
  5. "You are nauseous?" *rasies eyebrows and/or winks* "maybe you have a bun in the oven?"
    I can't tell you how many people have said that when I know the subject of their inquiry has just miscarried. Here's the test: 1. Would you say it to a man? Non? Than STFU.
  6. "Why didn't you have children?"
    This is generally asked of women who appear too old to have kids. So first, you may be assuming the person is older than they are, and no one likes when that happens to them. Second, the reasons could be tragic. Like they may have have children at one point and now no longer do... yeah, so you wouldn't just be sticking your foot in your mouth, you would be dragging up their most painful memory out of your own curiosity. Congrats asshole.
  7. "Aren't you going to have a second child?"
    There's a thing called secondary infertility. Google it. My point is, there are zillions of reasons people stop at having one child. About half are within their control and half aren't. None of those reasons are any of your business. And everyone knows you are setting up for a guilt trip with that question. Newsflash: having siblings doesn't automatically transport you to a land of lollipops and gumdrops. The kid will be fine if they are a only child. For reals. Ex: Franklin D. Roosevelt.
  8. "You are so big, are you sure you aren't having twins?" / "Are you sure you aren't due sooner?"
    No one wants to be called big, that doesn't change when preggers. Why would you think this is ok? I've had more pregnant friends in tears because of this. Remember the adage "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"? Well that goes double when you are talking to a pregnant lady. This is so obvious it pained me to type that out. Ugh.