Top Ten Things to Say as an Officiant at a Wedding

I'm the officiant in a wedding tomorrow, and here are the top 10 raddest things to say as the person in charge of the nuptials.
  1. 1.
    You guys are TOTALLY married now. *sike*
  2. 2.
    Take off your wedding hats and wedding gloves and switch them to show your commitment.
  3. 3.
    You may now kiss the bride's entire family.
  4. 4.
    Do you, Guy Fieri, take this diner to be your lawfully drive-in and dive?
  5. 5.
    Everyone, please be seats. I need to test your sturdiness before the ceremony.
  6. 6.
    The bride and groom have prepared their own vows for the ceremony so don't I feel like a big ol jerk standing up here with nothing to do.
  7. 7.
    There is a blue Mercedes Benz illegally parked in the parking lot, license plate 6NIN069.
  8. 8.
    Thanks for coming, we have warrants for your arrests.
  9. 9.
    The families have told me to tell you that the open bar is actually open all the way to the center of the earth so don't fall in.
  10. 10.
    My apologies to Matt Damon for having to bump him from the schedule, we ran out of time.