MY WORST JOBS OF ALL TIME

I've been in some way gainfully employed (sometimes in multiples of jobs at a time) since I was 15. I've had a lot of jobs. They were not all good. Were yours?
  1. Waitress at the Yellow Submarine Cafe in Singapore, age 15
    I went to high school in Singapore where tipping is not customary because usually restaurants include that surcharge in the bill. I worked at the one restaurant that did not, as they were trying to be hip and more Western. Not only did no one tip me ever, they rarely had cause to as I was SPECTACULARLY bad at waitressing. I spilled tomato soup on a lady in a white suit, served the wrong plates to the wrong tables, and dropped 50% of things. I got yelled at everyday and ALSO made no money :/
  2. Assistant to a freelance autograph dealer, age 18
    I'm not sure why it didn't strike me as weird that this was someone's career, or that I had to work out of his garage amidst stacks of poorly organized 8 x 10 glossies signed by mostly obscure celebrities. I did however know it was weird that he somehow had Judy Garland's Oscar (it lived in the 3rd drawer of the file cabinet) and was surreptitiously trying to sell it (it's illegal to buy and sell Oscars). He was creepy but I do now possess a lovely smudgily signed Woody Allen portrait.
  3. IV market deli girl, age 19
    Isla Vista market was the cool liquor store masquerading as a grocery store near the UCSB campus and all the coolest girls were checkers there. I wanted to be a cool girl so I applied. I was hired! As...the deli girl. This meant slicing various meats and cheeses all day for sandwich preparation followed by mopping and sweeping. I smelled like pastrami for a year and in conjunction with the George Foreman grill my mom got me for my dorm, gained 20 lbs.
  4. Hostess at Eddie Rickenbacker's Sports Bar in San Francisco, age 21
    The owner of this establishment (whose name was Frank, not, in fact, Eddie Rickenbacker, was an obese middle aged man who exclusively wore overalls and slept in the loft area above the restaurant, where he peed in cups and made the bus boys run them down. He hated me and if I didn't blow dry my curly hair for work, he would accuse me of not brushing it and of being "disheveled" and send me home. I cried a lot, but they had really good pub cheese.
  5. Twitter voice of Nissin brand, aka Top Ramen and Cup Noodle, age 28
    After I got my masters I couldn't find a job for months so finally a friend working at an ad agency threw me a bone and hired me to do social media. This just meant spending 8 hours a day in a cubicle tweeting as "Nood Leon" a fictional naked hairy fat man Nissin had invented in an attempt to "go viral." He never did, but I made a lot of really good noodle puns and learned a lot about instant noodles, and ultimately, my self.
  6. Subway
    I worked at Subway when I was 16. So much tuna, so much mayonnaise; also, the smell of cold cuts stays with you for days.
    Suggested by   @13spencer
  7. Test Patient at a possibly sketchy medical school
    I got $30 an hour to sit while students practiced on me. They listened to my heartbeat, poked my abdomen to try to find my organs. Clammy hands, students hitting on me after class. Ew.
    Suggested by   @jbay
  8. Studio Manager
    I got hired on the spot because of my experience. First day the manager says he'll be back. Four hours later still not back received a call from his manager. He's on work release from the county jail, wasn't supposed to leave, parole officer caught him, he's fired, I'm now the only employee and manager. The studio is in Walmart and the Walmart manager hates me. Worst 15 months of my life.
    Suggested by   @Perchlakegirl