Things That Probably Don't Happen on the New Season of 'the X Files'

  1. Mulder finally bothers to ask about all of the cases Scully worked with Doggett and insists on reinvestigating them with her (in a montage, scored to "Wherever You Will Go," The Calling's hit single from 2001.)
  2. Scully investigates the whereabouts of her missing iPhone and loses her faith in the Roman Catholic Church in the process; Mulder makes bad cloud puns and is no help whatsoever.
  3. Roommates The Lone Gunmen, Cigarette Smoking Man, and David Bowie, have an hour-long discussion on what their creation Donald Trump should do and say next.
  4. Skinner reveals to Mulder his method of decompressing after a stressful day at the office - all-night whack-a-mole. It's later revealed to be a clumsy attempt to get Mulder to invest in Skinner's dream arcade complex.
  5. Gillian Anderson breaks character to berate Chris Carter for titling the season premiere and finale "My Struggle, Part 1" and "My Struggle, Part 2," respectively. She screams, "Don't title episodes that sound like the titles of Puddle of Mudd songs!". Anderson slaps Carter in the face after each word.
  6. A mysterious figure emerges from the mist. Mulder and Scully approach with caution. The figure succinctly explains The Truth. Mulder asks, "But what does that mean?" It is explained so even a child can understand. "But what does that mean?" The figure uses visual aids. Mulder looks down, then back up again. He asks, "But what does that mean?"