💦 A STUDY IN THIRST: WHAT I LEARNED FROM HINGE & BUMBLE

Suddenly celibacy seems nice.
  1. Before creating my Bumble and Hinge accounts and thus upping their bad bitch ratio, I briefly considered OkCupid for the laughs... even if it did guarantee me an older/crustier demographic.
  2. My best friend, Hannah: "DON'T DO IT."
  3. Me: "Why?"
  4. Again, I was presented with a cautionary tale...
  5. Bachelor #1
  6. Bachelor #2
  7. Bachelor #3
  8. Bachelor #4
  9. And then this Tinder message as an added bonus.
  10. .... Alright, Bumble and Hinge it is!
  11. MY KEY TAKEAWAYS:
  12. These apps are much more similar; mostly decent-looking dudes who, unlike the men of Tinder, don't resemble ocean litter that had been washed ashore.
  13. Unfortunately, they were all a little too beachy and fratty for my tastes, but I knew my preferred type - black-haired, blue-eyed Irish musician with tattoos and a criminal record - was a niche market.
  14. Whereas on Tinder I got endless "Netflix and chill??" convo starters (with an effectiveness rating of 0, for the record), Hinge and Bumble users tended to treat me like an actual person, not a sexual object. It was crazy!
  15. That doesn't mean some of the profiles weren't Shakespearean levels of tragic.
  16. Exhibit A.
  17. Hinge did have its bonuses: there were categories where you could specify what you're looking for (casual, dating, or relationship) and your height.
    Other apps, take note.
  18. This way, guys can determine whether girls are looking for wedding dates or roleplay, and girls can disregard every man under 6'.
  19. On Tinder, I usually got asked out for coffee or dinner or a private tour of their bedroom. Here, the date suggestions were much more innovative and less likely to give me a flaming case of chlamydia.
  20. I was invited to see comedy shows, jazz bands, and movies on rooftops in Hollywood.
    If I ever felt anything within my cold, black heart, this would have probably made the gentlemen more attractive to me.
  21. What wasn't so cute: the fact that people legitimately used these apps to network... and pick up hot chicks to help their party's ratio.
  22. Seems legit.
  23. Downside to Bumble: you're infinitely more likely to stumble upon a Facebook friend here than the other apps, probably because it's new and the pool of options is kiddie-sized.
  24. Between just 2 of my friends, I've received screenshots/blackmail material of nearly ALL of my guy friends 💀
  25. It's something I've tried growing used to - *everyone* is on these dating apps, even narcissists like me who are just in it for the shameless compliments - but it never fails to weird me out and I can't quite look at them the same, like after you find out someone you know enjoys Adam Sandler films.
    "Ugh, look at him using a photo with a puppy... That's not even his puppy... Did he really just promote his own Kickstarter? THIS IS SO STRESSFUL."
  26. However, I would readily recommend Hinge and Bumble to friends looking for love outside their Myspace Top 8.
  27. Out of morbid curiosity, I forced myself out on a handful of these dates, and while there wasn't anyone who swept me off my Vince Camutos... none of the dates were duds, either.
    And that says A LOT coming from me.
  28. So sure, a Nicholas Sparks level of soulmate won't appear right off the bat, but it's one of those things where if you commit to it, statistically something is bound to work out.
    You've got to kiss a lot of toads to find a cute banker with a trust fund, or however the saying goes.
  29. ..........
  30. Yet, as you all know, some things are just too good to be true. Within a few hours of creating my accounts - yes, HOURS - I was barraged with texts from multiple guys I knew.
  31. "Hey, just saw you on Hinge/Tinder/Bumble. Looking good. Just saying, I swiped right... ;)"
  32. I HAD OPTIONS:
  33. A) Tell the truth: "Sorry if you've been deceived, but this has been nothing more than a social experiment, and I've remained emotionally unavailable since '92."
  34. B) Come up with a semi-plausible lie: "No way! One of my friends must have created that for me. I'm, like, SUPER shy around guys and they probably wanted to give me a push out into the dating world."
  35. It then occurred to me that approximately no one would buy that.
    I've been known to be mouthy even in a coma.
  36. C) Another, more believable lie: "Oh, you must have stumbled across my secret twin... Yes, her name is also Arianna. It's a European thing, don't worry about it."
  37. In the end, I responded by saying it was undoubtedly a stranger pretending to be me and that identity theft is no joke.
  38. I have since then deleted my accounts.