At last, I present to you: my findings. The trauma is still fresh.
  1. I matched with 99.9% of the men I swiped right for.
    I asked my focus group (aka a few friends in a group text) if this was normal. They agreed with a resounding YES and/or yas queen.
  2. Conclusion: men on Tinder lack any sort of standards and are simply trying to maximize their chances of getting laid.
    May the odds be ever in your favor.
  3. Tinder confirms that, yes, LA is indeed as stereotypical as you think. 8 times out of 10, the guy will describe himself as an aspiring actor, model, musician, or writer.
    That's usually code for "seating host at your local Italian restaurant."
  4. They've recently implemented a 'super like' option where you can let 1 person per day know that you don't just want to bone, you really, really, REALLY want to.
  5. Their marketing director probably surmised girls would find this flattering - out of all the thots in the sea, you chose me! - but it really just screams "Craigslist Killer."
    Pro tip: men, we know how thirsty you are, but at least try to hide it a LITTLE.
  6. When browsing the men on this app.... face-wise, things weren't great.
  7. A few insider tips:
  8. If he has sunglasses on in his first photo, he will be fug.
  9. If his first photo is a group shot, he will also be fug.
  10. It's science.
  11. I included my Instagram handle in my bio to test how many randoms would be desperado enough to look me up and/or slide into my DMs.
    There were many.
  12. Please note that I deliberately only swiped right for attractive/seemingly sane dudes because I didn't want to be harassed and subsequently murdered by some weirdo wearing camo.
  13. Despite my best efforts to weed out the crazies, the messages I procured still fell short of "socially acceptable."
  14. They ranged from boring:
  15. To corny:
  16. To desperate:
  17. To.... whatever is going on here:
  18. To all of the above...
  19. Static
  20. And these are the types of profiles you're bombarded with:
  21. Static
    You had me at hel- really realistic sounding spray noises.
  22. Static
    He sounds like a therapist's wet dream.
  23. Static
    From one feminist to another: do less.
  24. So... that about sums it up.
  25. My conclusions will be featured in Part 4! Get ready, y'all 🍆🍆🍆