🏆 I WANNA BE THE VERY BEST THAT NO ONE EVER WAS

Being the cosmopolitan young diva that I am, I strive to stay in the loop with any & all matters culturally relevant. Hence my dating app Study in Thirst (see: previous li.sts), obsessive following of celebrity gossip, current events, etc... My latest assignment? Pokémon Go. BRING IT, NERDS.
  1. This app begins by going all Sims on you & prompting the user to design a character. Immediately, I found myself at a crossroads (& dare I say, personal Sophie's Choice?) over the SEVERE lack of hair color options - where is a tasteful dark honey/chestnut brown when you need it?
    This shit does not properly represent my balayage. Minus points.
  2. Yet I gathered the inner strength to overcome it by selecting a (rather basic) shade of brown & the closest they have to amber-colored eyes.
  3. My world was rocked once again when I discovered that the wardrobe choices did NOT include all black errything. How can this thot truly be me if she's not rocking a leather jacket, choker, & resting bitch face at all times?
    Nevertheless, I soldiered on & went with this ensemble.
  4. Suddenly, I am greeted by some silver fox dubbing himself Professor Willow. More like Professor Will You Give Me That D?
  5. Consequently, I felt rather unclean from associating sexual thoughts with a damn cartoon - until I perused Twitter &, as always, the thirst didn't disappoint.
  6. #ProfessorDaddy was a trending hashtag. WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE.
  7. Anyway, this tall glass of water hopes to 'test my abilities'* by instructing me to catch a starter Pokémon. If I were a Psych student, this is where I would analyze the fuck outta the type of Pokémon one selects & how that provides critical insight into their psyche.
    *Needless to say, Professor Daddy was coming onto your girl here reallll strong.
  8. Naturally, I'm a Fire, Dark, & Psychic kind of trap queen, which my brother described as "completely unsurprising."
  9. Needless to say, I picked the biggest homie of the bunch & made my former English professor mother proud by repping Dante's Inferno.
  10. Now Professor Daddy continues to flirt with yours truly by asking my name. Willow, you saucy minx you.
  11. Tragedy strikes yet again & "Arianna" is already reserved by some other ratchet impostor. THE NERVE!
  12. I ran through my usual nicknames (Ari, Riri, Bad Girl Riri) until I finally landed on EmpressAri, which - fun fact - was my first AIM screenname at age 10. The narcissism clearly started young.
  13. Bow down, bitches.
  14. Because I'm only a nerd recreationally, it was at this point it dawned on me I was running late to tonight's pregame.
  15. I mapped the exact distance from my house to my friend's & it came out to 1.5 miles.
  16. ....SCREW IT. Forget Uber, I'll go the scenic route & catch me some wild Pokémon.
  17. So I downed a few shots of this suspect rum from Honduras & got to walkin'. Given that I live in a marina, right on the water, it was safe to say those water types would be child's play.
  18. And they most certainly were.
  19. I was careful to distinguish between my 2 crab types.
  20. There were also moments when the GPS lost its shit & assumed I was in the middle of the water, which really should've scored me bonus points.
    *plays Lost At Sea by Zedd*
  21. I became deeply perplexed because SOMEHOW I COULDN'T ACTUALLY BATTLE THESE FUCKERS? Google then informed me you must wait for a gym to engage in said animal fighting... Like, what kind of tease.
  22. In conclusion: despite its limitations, I'll probs be lowkey obsessed with this game for the next week. Mostly because EVERY moment is an opportunity to catch 'em all... and catch 'em all I did.
    Exhibit A: this mofo in middle of my 3 AM Uber ride.