💃🏽 KEY TAKEAWAYS FROM BOTTLEROCK MUSIC FESTIVAL

The nation collectively celebrated a holiday the last weekend in May- no, not Memorial Day, Bottlerock in Napa!
  1. Like Coachella, Bottlerock hosts a musical and culinary extravaganza where millennials and old folks alike can dress like homeless men from the 70s and overlook the Red Hot Chili Pepper's rocky legal history with sexual battery, indecent exposure, and disorderly conduct in the name of catchy rock melodies.
    And unlike Stagecoach, most attendees are literate and acknowledge there's no such thing as reverse racism.
  2. What I learned:
  3. The amount of selfies one snapchats is inversely proportional to how much they give a shit about the music they shelled out $350+ for.
    I took 3 selfies total, which likely indicates I know most of Stevie Wonder's greatest hits, yet still assume "The Lumineers" is a line of snowboarding gear.
  4. Human beings are innovative, resilient creatures... when drugs and alcohol are involved. That strict 'no booze' policy will prove futile, as Cyndi Lauper would say, time after time.
    I had friends smuggle vodka shooters in baby wipe pouches.
  5. Or this glorious invention, a flask disguised as binoculars.
    If you look closely, you can see a blackout coming!
  6. Personally, I'm a fan of the classic 'mini hotel shampoo bottles filled with tequila stowed away in the inside pocket of your leather jacket bunched up at the bottom of your backpack' trick.
  7. Bottlerock, much like Outside Lands, attracts an older, more liver-spotted crowd.
    Inevitably, there was a lot of this.
  8. Another grievance with the 40+ demographic: they had zero chill about people worming their way through the audience.
    I.e. a few of us dipped out for a quick restroom break, and when we attempted to return to our squad, countless randoms went all Gandalf/"YOU SHALL NOT PASS" on us.
  9. I didn't grapple with much aggression directly because my RBF remains in full force, but several of my friends were dished sass like: "There's NO ROOM, stop trying to go through" and "I've been waiting here for 5 HOURS" and "You better not block MY VIEW over here!"
    To which I wondered, have these plebes never attended a concert before? Refill your Xanax prescription, Karen. Damn.
  10. Luckily, the majority of Bottlerockers weren't so Les Mis and fully embraced the festival spirit.
  11. When I was ridin' solo for Day 1's Houndmouth show, a group of 20-somethings approached me: "Do you need anything? Alcohol? Weed? Snacks?" I took off my sunglasses. "What kind of snacks are we talking?"
    We became fast friends.
  12. I boarded the shuttle bright and early each morning alone to catch the first music sets at noon. Some sage advice: DO THIS. Sure, you sacrifice a few z's, but who actually rests at these festivals anyway? That's what Adderall is for!
    And a) life is richer when you're capable of enjoying your own company and b) with all of the miscellaneous drugs people are consuming, you'll have strangers exclaiming, "We should be best friends!" at every show you attend anyway.
  13. Plus, you're basically breathing distance away from the musicians. There was a gathering of maybe 15 of us for an intimate Bird Dog performance, where I danced front and center beside a 2-year-old boy who was evidently already more of a badass than I'll ever be.
    The small crowds also landed me a free shirt. Thanks, Strangers You Know, for recognizing your most deserving fan.
  14. Other observations: I feel like my grandparents listened to The Lumineers in the 1930s, Lenny Kravitz's performance was a sexual awakening for every man, woman, and child, and Florence Welch is less of a person and more of a mythical forest nymph as she pranced on stage and effortlessly belted out notes that would make even Stalin weep.
    Best performance of the weekend. I'll fight anyone who says otherwise.
  15. I have so many questions. What is she sitting on? What is he feeding her? How much does she regret those star tattoos?
  16. Who wants to buy me this?
  17. Till next year 🎶