Another undercover investigation by yours truly.
  1. When you register for the event online, there's a box for "occupation."
    Most people are boring and *actually* provide their real employer (what nerds), but periodically an attendee will shake things up, like this one dude I saw advertising himself as a "Star Wars Dork."
  2. The news broke that, although I was fully registered, my nametag had gone AWOL. "I think we may have lost it," the registration lady confessed.
    Her career will never recover.
  3. But, like Beyoncé, I am more than capable of using lemons to make lemonade.
  4. The goal: get free shit
    The result: no free shit, just a lot of judgmental stares 🙁
  5. The vast majority of attendants were YouTubers and they were quite the... paradoxical congregation.
  6. There was this dichotomy of incredibly attractive people (mostly white dudes who smiled a concerning amount and probably weren't legal) mixed with emotionally unhinged oddballs.
    Considering I'm both cute and psycho, I felt right at home.
  7. The gaggle of girls in front of me looked like they had walked straight off the Downton Abbey set and I do not, in any way, mean that as a compliment.
  8. Yuna (love her), Atlas Genius (love them), and Jordan Smith* (who?) all performed, but no matter the song, they all boogied like we were in a Prohibition-era speakeasy. I was distraught.
    *Most recent winner of The Voice, according to my good pal, Wikipedia.
  9. Another girl was furiously scribbling away in her notepad next to me and I fought everything within my power not to say, "Honey, it's 2016; there's a notes section in your phone."
    Luckily, I kept my insightful commentary to myself, but being the snoopy little bugger that I am, I couldn't resist sneaking a glance over:
  10. "Yuna is like a combination of Florence and the Machine, Corinne Bailey Rae, and Norah Jones. Her sound is very mellow..."
    Illuminating report, indeed.
  11. It was at this point I noticed how strongly the lead singer of Atlas Genius resembled the Keebler Elf. I then spent the next 14 minutes fantasizing about cookies.
    Did I lie
  12. Given that I've snagged As in both Sociology and Psychology 101, I felt I was qualified to diagnose YouTubers with "I must be funny and entertaining and endearing ALL THE TIME" syndrome as a result of their stardom.
    The crowd possessed a tragic case of what I'd like to call 'twitchy eyes' - they were constantly shooting hostile glances at each other and sizing the room up.
  13. You could practically *feel* these people crumbling over the fact that they weren't basking in the spotlight. But on the bright side, their personality disorders were guaranteed to keep therapists in business!
  14. In all honesty, I did sympathize with them; that perpetual, looming pressure can't be great for your psyche.
    Is there a Ted Talk on this subject yet? Because if there isn't, dibs.
  15. A girl approached me while I was dancing and gave me her number. 23-years-old and I still got it!
  16. People react to alcohol in different ways; some get belligerent, some get slutty... personally, I go full-blown klepto. By the end of the night I had stocked up on 10 Cliff bars, 1 bag of kale chips (tres LA), and 2 coconut waters.
    This ain't my first rodeo.
  17. And I'm proud to say I did this all without the help of my CEO father. YouTube was a success.