IT'S COOL AND WHATEVER BUT YOU COULD'VE TOLD ME...

Oddly comforted to find out @lenadunham and @white_lightning were also raised without evening time undies. Here's a few other things I learned the truth about a teensy bit too late.
  1. ...most other people wear underwear to bed
    before sending me to my first sleepover party. WTF, Mama?
  2. ...you had a girlfriend
    before we slept together. WTF, Various Dudes of the mid to late aughts?
  3. ...you didn't like being pet that way
    before you bit me/scratched me/hissed like a cartoon monster. WTF, most cats I've tried to love on?
  4. ...your baby had colic
    before leaving me with her all day. WTF, Former Employer?
  5. ...you were more than a "social drinker"
    before I found you passed out. Fully clothed. In our empty bathtub. On a Wednesday morning. WTF, Old Roommate? (But also I hope you're getting healthy and happy.)