HOW TO BE A GROWN UP ON SATURDAY MORNINGS

because no matter how much you drank or how many sleep-inducing bowls of ramen you consumed your eyes force you awake at the crack of dawn
  1. Fumble while putting workout clothes on right away, even though your mouth is really dry and you have a red wine headache and you set a goal to beat your PR of 8:30am
  2. Pour large glass of water while brewing large cup of coffee
  3. Think hard about which will revive you most and proceed to fill body with coffee because you always pick coffee
  4. Look up group classes at gym and decide if you can drink enough water to hit it in time for the class that's in 14 minutes or not
  5. "Shit, this class says 'high intensity' in the description"
  6. Look at water glass reluctantly then pick up and drink, just in case
  7. <10 minutes until class, no socks or shoes on>
  8. Tell yourself you can't make it to the class even though it's only a four minute walk and you have plenty of time
  9. Concoct elaborate rationalization of resting and hydrating as a better way to spend the next hour
  10. <4 minutes until class starts>
  11. Look at next class available at a time you know you can make it to
  12. "Ugh, that class has 'push you to your limit' in the description"
  13. Unclasp sports bra
  14. Look up recipe for Greek yogurt or low-carb pancakes (for health's sake)
  15. Look in fridge for ingredients, realize you don't have half of them, then decide to walk to Whole Foods, which opens in 25 minutes, for provisions
  16. Engage in elaborate rationalization that walking to and from the grocery store, at the age of 31, is still considered a workout because the Apple Heath App counts the steps
  17. Reclasp sports bra
  18. Put on socks and gym shoes you won't be wearing to the gym
  19. Get out the door quick because your new reason is faux healthy pancakes then have a fleeting thought that you could have just gone to that 8am class