SHORT LIST OF THE CANDIDATES I'M CONSIDERING WRITING IN ON PRESIDENTIAL BALLOT

  1. Jason Bourne
    Would scare the crap out of terrorists. And Putin. So there's that.
  2. Katniss Everdeen
    Proven Leader. Certified Badass. First Woman President? Enough said.
  3. Jeff Lebowski
    Better known as The Dude. The perfect even-handed leader in these turbulent times. And the campaign slogan is already built in: The Dude Abides.
  4. Jack Sparrow
    He's American, right? Anyway, he always seems to get the job done. A bit of a loose cannon, but that doesn't seem to be an issue in 2016, so...
  5. Walter White
    He's got a bit of a spotty past, but come on... Who doesn't like Heisenberg??
  6. Kevin the minion
    Likely the first ever candidate with a 100% approval rating. A candidate who really speaks the language of the people.