Memoir by Failed Halloween

my least favorite holiday for so many reasons
  1. Age 8: Went as the goddess Athena in homemade robes and Medusa-head shield. No one knew who I was supposed to be. Gave 5 minute full-nerd explanation at every house. No one cared.
  2. Age 10: Went as The Queen of the Night from Mozart's "The Magic Flute" in homemade constellation-daubed leotard & tights. No one knew who I was supposed to be. Attempted explanation. Really: no one cared.
  3. Age 12: Was supposed to go as a beetle in very cool costume my mom lovingly sewed for me. Got croup cough, was too sick to go to school or trick or treat.
  4. Age 13: Mom insisted that I wear beetle costume she so lovingly sewed. What is cute & essential in 7th grade is death in 8th grade. Barely survived day/night.
  5. Age 14: Misunderstood the assignment. Thought we still might trick or treat. Wore "dead bride" costume with full makeup to my BFF's house. She shamed me by answering door in pajamas. We watched SNL special & then I went home.
  6. Age 19: Attended party at fancy intellectual club at invite of my professor. Dress code: famous suicides (so stupidly Yale). Went as Sylvia Plath in 50s debutante dress. No one knew who I was supposed to be. Told off kid dressed as Elliot Smith w/ knife (too soon/how dare you!!). Went home in tears.
  7. Age 21: Enthusiastically purchased clothing from Target for topical "Jessica & Ashlee Simpson" joint costume w/ BFF. She bailed due to getting too high. I had to stay home & talk her down. Then I was just a girl who owned a pearlescent pink faux fur jacket.
  8. Age 28: Created last minute Eloise costume to attend "cool" "party" in Venice. Stuffed shirt w/ pillow to make little Eloise belly. Everyone asked if I was pregnant. No one knew who I was supposed to be. Hostess, dressed as Carrie, covered me in fake blood when she hugged me. Stains never came out.