Requested by Ava

Ways to Deal With Breakups

this is a song for the broken hearted. and also @avabellows, who asked for it.
  1. Don't talk to all your friends about it beforehand.
    If you're thinking about breaking up with someone, that's your choice to make. No one outside the relationship will make that easier for you. And later you'll probably hate them for whatever advice they gave you.
  2. Don't tell everyone unflattering stories about your ex just to make yourself feel better.
    It won't make you feel better. And you might, you know, get back together some day.
  3. Don't beat yourself up if you eat a lot/cry a lot/drink a lot/smoke a lot/do drugs/cyber-stalk your ex/fuck everyone you meet. Or if you do the exact opposite.
    This feeling is temporary, and so is this behavior. Probably. Be kind to yourself and let yourself off the hook.
  4. That said, use protection.
    Condoms. Don't drive drunk. Have your friends go with you to parties. Give them your phone if you are thinking about calling someone you shouldn't.
  5. Cut your hair.
    And buy new clothes.
  6. But don't buy a lot of clothes just because you're so skinny from loss of appetite/grief.
    This too shall pass, and then you have clothes that make you feel fat.
  7. Cry.
  8. Collect the things that make you cry and think about the other person. Put those items in a box. Tape the box up. Don't open it for a very very long time.
  9. Masturbate.
    Get good at it.
  10. Keep a journal.
    Better than writing your ex that long email, I promise. Also, you can look back in ten years and place a hand over your heart in sympathy.
  11. Invest in your friendships.
    This is good advice in general. Also, don't divest in your friendships when you fall in love again. That is poor fucking form.
  12. Don't call your ex.
    Not if you ever want to be friends.
  13. Don't text your ex.
    What good will come of this?
  14. Don't sleep with your ex.
    Dry humping counts. So do blow jobs. So does tearful making out. Just don't do it.
  15. Don't expect to stop loving that other person, now or maybe ever.
    Your heart is big. You can love someone forever and still love someone new. Or even many other people. Not a contradiction in terms.
  16. Don't hate yourself for doing any of these don'ts.
  17. Don't listen to me, I'm basically not on speaking terms with any of my exes.