WHY I DON'T WANT TO MEET YOU, TINDER FUCKBOI

If we already have this going against us don't be surprised when I don't respond.
  1. You're in a goddamn open relationship.
    Or worse, open marriage.
  2. You look like my ex.
  3. You have the same name as my ex.
    Following exceptions: Michaels
  4. You listed your height then wrote "cause I guess this matters" or something along those lines.
    You care just as much as I do. Don't pretend you wouldn't wanna know if I was 6'3"
  5. One of your photos is of a sports car. You are probably not in this photo.
  6. You are visiting from ____ for ____ amount of time.
    Stop wasting my time fuckboi!
  7. You mention that you're not a cat person.
  8. You are over 5 miles away.
    This is New York after all.
  9. 1+ photos are selfies of you at the gym.
  10. You live in Long Island or Jersey.
    See above.
  11. You're wearing sunglasses in over half of your photos.
  12. You're holding a gun.
  13. You reassured me that I "still look pretty good even with short hair."
    Thanks for your unwelcomed opinion assface
  14. You asked me to lie about where we met.
    It's 2016, we're all on tinder.
  15. You're wearing a bucket hat.
  16. You told me being a waitress/bartender is not a real job.
  17. You look like a different person in every picture.
    So you probably look like none of them which will inevitably lead to a very awkward first date.